Monday, June 26, 2006

You are my sunshine...

A New Chapter...

It's hard to believe that today you are five years old. You have no idea how proud, old, and excited you make me feel. You are such a bright young lady and I look forward to the day you can show everyone your goals and accomplishments. Here I thought I would be sitting in a different place. Very happy and excited... All the while I am sad, I am sad you are growing up. But I am happy you are becoming your own little person sometimes even a big person. I try not to cry when you hit milestones as I know you are happy and I don't want to hinder your happiness because I am having a hard time with you growing up. All of your “firsts” are my “lasts” as I don’t know what is in store for Daddy and I to have more babies. So I am left helpless wanting more but am ending up short handed.

I remember being pregnant with you like it was yesterday. When I found out I was in disbelief. I could barely read the pregnancy test. I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. I immediately thanked God and Grandpa for you. I called Daddy and told him the news as I didn't know what to do. I was almost stupid. Daddy didn't believe me, so he had me to go the doctor to confirm that you were in my belly.

During our pregnancy I had many ultrasounds with you. I got to see you grow from this nothingness (to me) into a baby. It was amazing. I had to have a special ultrasound of your heart. That was one of the most important things I saw while carrying you. I wanted to be assured that you had no heart problems or defects like my dad, your Grandfather, did. And to see the inside of your heart gave me closure knowing that you would be "ok". Feeling your first movements inside of me to the point where I would literally jump off of the couch because you'd kick me so hard. I couldn't sleep at night because you were on a totally different schedule than me. I adjusted and it helped me prepare for your arrival and sleepless nights. You kept me on my toes… And you still do now.

When Dad and I went to the hospital I was scared. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew that I was willing to endure as much pain in the world to have you as I knew the very moment I saw you it would all wash away. I went through the motions of labor, pitocin, epidural, etc. My body was finally prepared to let you come into the world. The nurse asked if I was ready to push. I looked at your Father and held his hand, looked at him with tears building up in my eyes and said our lives will never be the same. We are going to come home a family of 3. There's no looking back. I attempted to push your body out of me for two hours. After two hours, our vitals were all over the place and the doctor said it's time. It's time to "take" you out. I was prepped for surgery and told Dad I would see him soon, as he was getting into scrubs. Well while I was on the operating table, I could feel the instruments. And then after three attempts of getting me with the spinal I told the doctors if they had to put me “out” to just do it. They told me that Dad wouldn't be able to come in the operating room as I would have a breathing tube. I said do what you have to do. This is my baby and our well being.

I woke up after 32 pain-staking hours; you were finally removed from me. My abdomen was cut open and out you came. I didn't get to hear your first cry, see your first breath or see Daddy cut your umbilical cord. You see, I was knocked out under general anesthesia. So you had a peaceful birth with our “favorite” Doctor. Dad and the rest of our family got to see you first as I was in recovery. You were whisked into this world at 10:11PM and I didn't get to touch or smell you until after 1:00AM. It was an eternity. But after seeing your perfect face, it was all worth the wait. You had 10 fingers and 10 toes, your daddy's toes. I was so proud and after seeing you the pain went all away. You were ours.

I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was actually responsible for breathing, living thing. I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was a mother, a mother to you. It felt weird saying mom, mommy, and mother while in conversation with others. It was all foreign to me. I had a title other than daughter. I have a little person looking up to me. But quickly I have become used to all of the terms referenced as mom. Before I knew it you were saying mama, mom and now mother. What a reward to hear you call me mom. It was music to my ears. And it still is no matter how many times you say it to me.

I have two scars on my stomach, the reason for those scars are because of you. I mean it in a good way. It signifies the hurt and the pain that I went through to have you. I would do it over and over again. It marks your entry into this world. I look at it and I find it hard to believe that you came out of me in such an invasive way. I pray that I will be able to experience this love, again.

I love you Doll. You are my sunshine. My world. My every breath. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Phases...

As I mentioned this the other day... I have yet again, another unsuccessful cycle...

I started bleeding four days ago... I had a 25 day cycle. Normally they are 30 days, so it perplexed me why things were happening so soon. I guess living with PCOS means nothing is normal. That night we went to the movies. We saw The DaVinci Code. It was a great movie and I really enjoyed it. Although at the end I had some feelings of self doubt.

On our way home I drove down the unlit bridge to our house. There were some thunderstorms with a lot of thunder and lighting. The lightening was amazing and I tend to think a lot when it rains. It brings back many good childhood memories.

While I am driving home I begin to cry uncontrollably. I am at the point where I can barely breathe and am in hysterics. I can't believe I am actually admitting it at this moment. My husband looks at me and asks me what is wrong? At first I do not want to talk about it as I was a blubbering mess and would most likely make no sense at all.

I give in and start to spew my feelings out to him... I begin to tell him we are tempting fate... I don't know how much longer I can go on with all of 'this'. I then recoil and say but I know nothing else. We have been doing 'this' for three excruciating years. What would I do with myself if I didn't have to take my temperature, suppositories, shots, pills, vaginal ultrasounds?? Oh yeah, life would revert to how it is supposed to be, normal. But all of 'this' is my current normal. I have had it stuck in my mind that I was going to "give up" when my daughter turns 5. That is in 3 days. I was hoping to tell her she was going to be a big sister on her birthday, but again... I can't. I now am saying before she is six. Which means I have until October of this year... Her father missed out the good news on his birthday, now her.

I tell him that I have gone through three phases in our journey of trying to conceive...

Phase I - My selfishness... Everything revolved around me, me, me. I wanted a baby. He was literally along for the ride.

Phase II - My daughter... I wanted, and still want, her to be a big sister. She longs for a sibling. For 9 months she asked me daily about being a big sister. It kills me. It kills me to know that quite possibly she will be an only child.

Phase III - My husband... When we went through our Pre Cana before our wedding we had written discussions between one another. He wrote that he wanted a family of four children. I told him when I had our daughter that two would be it as I had a long and painful labor. Ever since we were told our first is a miracle and we have secondary infertility I would like 3 children. I guess its human nature to want more of what you can't have. I want to give him that happiness that he had with our daughter. I want him to actually experience my pregnancy this time around.

I begin to ask myself is God is screwing with me? Is he screwing with us? There has got to be a test somewhere in here. Am I passing or failing? Are we following the right clues? Medically everything is fine with me. All of my parts are functioning properly, with the help of medicine. I long for the day I don't have to take anymore hormones. My hair falls out as a result... Not in clumps but enough to look like I am shedding like an animal. My husband checks out just fine... So why isn't it happening? Why can't one out of 10 million sperm figure out that they are to attack my egg and implant it?!

I then begin to tell him that I am jealous of the way he treats our niece. She's 8 months old. I watched the birth of her and am her godmother and love her dearly. He treats her differently than our own daughter. And it bothers me to no end. I am jealous of him cooing over her. His smile is so big when he sees her and she does the same thing back. I think to myself that this should be us. He should be fawning over our child. I then proceed to tell him I see it oozing out of him that I believe he feels awful we don't have anymore children. I feel guilt, nothing but guilt and take full responsibility for us not having more children. I feel lesser of a woman because of it. I blame myself day in and day out because we aren't pregnant... Some days I tell him, most days I don't. I actually told him he can leave me to be with a woman to give him more children that I can't. I wouldn't blame him... I don't want to take away his dreams of a family. He is a great father and will go through and has gone through great lengths to be a great husband and father to the both of us.

It's been a long time...

It's been a really rough few months. I've been laying low. Sleeping a lot to try and escape the pain I've been feeling. You see, I've been feeling this dull aching pain in my pelvic area for about 9 years. Yes, 9 years. When my cycle came it would always escalate, and I was used to that. With all of the issues that my reproductive friends down there have, I just knew it was how I always felt and became used to it. I'd go to doctors about it and I was always given the brush off by them. You're overweight, you're too young, yadda yadda. I heard the same thing over and over. Finally, I found a doctor who believed me. But, you see, I never really mentioned the whole pain thing because I never saw him during that time of the month. I was always used to it every other day.

Well, these last few months, have been awful. Finally, I was in so much pain I went to my doctor after threatening to rip out my baby maker myself. My mother talked me down from the experience and I made an appointment with Dr. T. Exams are the worst thing I've ever had to endure my entire life. Because of my first one, I've been petrified of them ever since. This one was no different. Tears streaming down my face, Dr. T. Scheduled a Saline Infusion Sonogram a couple days later for me. I had to tell him that intercourse with my husband has become so painful I kept pushing him away. I had to tell him that sitting down for long periods of time was unbearably uncomfortable and it took me hours to fall asleep at night.

So, Monday rolls around and my husband goes with me even though they told me that I wouldn't need someone to drive me home. Well, knowing my body, I knew that would not be the case. It happened to be the most painful procedure I have had done in recent years. Mild cramping my ass! Well, Dr. T. Knew it once he saw the grapefruit sized fibroid tumor in my uterus. He also found about 7 more not as big, but explained that this is part of what was causing my intense pain. Then SURGERY comes out of his mouth. I never expected to need surgery. I just thought that he was going to tell me that he found some more ovarian cysts and that was my problem and always had been.

After this information, I began to go through all the scenarios that we might discuss at my follow-up appointment a few days later. My husband has learned more about the reproductive organs than I think he ever anticipated. :) When we met with Dr. T, a few days later he went over everything he was going to do to me...

1. Laparoscopy
2. Hysteroscopy
3. Polypectomy
4. Ovarian Drilling
5. D&C

Please read at your own interest. But, after speaking with Dr. T. he really eased my mind on everything. Even said that this will increase our chances of getting pregnant naturally. I will take that for what it is worth and leave the rest up to prayer. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday July 18. I'll be down for a couple weeks then hopefully be back to normal. Then, the hubby and I officially start to TTC.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Well...

I started my period... So much for having any luck.

I will follow up shortly.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

CD17 4dpiui

Well I had my IUI 4 days ago. It went relatively well. I had company in from out of town, my best friend. Who is pregnant with her first child due in October. She has known of the struggles we have been going through for the past three years and has been very supportive of everything we have done.

I had asked her the day before she flew in if she would be willing to come to my IUI appointment with me, as my husband could not be there. In fact he's only been there for 1 procedure. She obliged and I kept the appointment planned.

It was the day of our appointment. My husband drove to the Clinic right after work and I met up with his sperm at 10:30AM. This was the second IUI I have had at this Clinic and both times have gone really well. We walked into the suite and I gave my name, I was called back right away and I asked if my girlfriend could come in the room. They said if you want her too... She was ok so therefore, I was ok. Heck, at this point, who hasn't been in-between my legs?!

I sit down on the table and the medical assistant comes in... She talks to me about the procedure asks how I am feeling and says she will be right back. She comes back in with the cup my husband donated to the Andrology Lab. I had to confirm his social security number and make sure everything was accurate. After I signed off on his specimen, we were ready to begin.

I lay back and tell the medical assistant that I need a long/wide speculum, as my cervix is very difficult. I also asked if she had to use the tenaculum if she could use lidocane. I am not a wimp and have a high tolerance for pain, but when it comes to pinching your cervix with something that looks like a jumbo pair of tweezers with a claw at the end made for Paul Bunyon, I reconsider succumbing to the pain. She said if she had to use the tenaculum that she could probably use the lidocane.

The medical assistant tried one speculum, but it was too "short". So she decided to try a different one. The actual one she wanted was in another exam room with a patient already in it. So we had to improvise. Turns out the only speculum they had in the room was long and really wide. My girlfriend said when she saw it she crossed her legs in fear. There I lay, a willing participant to it all. I know nothing about what is to be stuffed inside of me. Just call me Thanksgiving dinner... She begins to insert the mega-sized speculum, I feel a bit of discomfort, but carry on. My girlfriend is looking at me with this awkward face... And I am trying to hide the discomfort I am having. She can see it; she senses it. We have been friends for a very long time so, I give in. I make the face, the face of pain. She sees me and I could tell she wanted to say something, but she just couldn't find the words to say it. It was this unspoken support that meant the world to me. That she could be there to experience what I have been telling her about for all of this time. As we have this unspoken "conversation" with one another the medical assistant finally inserted the catheter holding 10 million motile sperm into my cervix. It stung, as usual. I cramped up, as usual. Internally I was saying a cheer to the soldiers hoping that they would attack my egg and one would implant in the days to come.

I was finally done. The medical assistant lifted the bottom of the table to raise my pelvis and I laid there for 10-15 min to help nature take its course. As I lay there waiting what normally feels like a lonely eternity, I talked with my girlfriend. She began to tell me that she gives both my husband and I a lot of credit for doing what we do. She said I can't believe that you travel this far and you endure so much for the chance of getting pregnant. She said I don't understand how you remain so confident and positive month in and month out. I told her it's not easy, but I have to hold out hope. I have hope and I have my faith and I cannot give up on either of them. Because without them I wouldn’t stand a chance.

The medical assistant came back into the room and advised me that I would need to follow up on my HCG shots. She said that I had to take a shot the following day, then every third day. In total I would be taking three shots. The first day of the follow up we were at a family function. I had to excuse myself to mix my medicine. As I was in the middle of mixing my medicine, some friends came in to say goodbye and I have a syringe in my hand. Kind of makes for an awkward situation... Thankfully they knew what we were going through so there weren’t any questions asked. After I was done mixing, I called in my husband to administer my HCG. I pulled down my pants, he swabbed my leg with an alcohol pad let it dry, then grabbed some skin and poked me. All the while, my girlfriend is sitting next to me at the table cringing in pain. Admittedly, the shots don't feel like a walk in the park, but at least its not blood being removed from my body. I can handle it. I am still sore from my shot. Tonight is another night that I will be doing it, then one more time. That's all I keep telling myself... One more time, only one more time...




Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Taking a break..............

We talked about it. The nurse practioner suggested it before I could even bring it up. I know it's the right thing to do. Why do I suddenly feel so empty inside?

I'm coming off my first cycle with Clomid. I have read all the reports that you can't take Clomid for too long or it will start to actually make you even less fertile. I've seen the countless signatures of other ladies with PCOS who have been on round after round of Clomid with no results. The cold hard fact is that scares me. The insurance we currently have will not pay for anything that even comes close to sounding like it might be for infertility. As it is the stuff they do pay for they only pay 70%. Which has left us currently with over $1,000 in medical bills to pay off.

I am a stay at home mom and he works a full-time job and a part-time job. We don't have much money. He's looking for something better and I am looking to make more money from working at home. So needless to say our insurance won't cover and we cannot afford any infertility treatments. Clomid without monitoring was all we could afford to do. Not even O'ing on my first cycle has freaked me out. That's what got me started thinking about trying birth control for a few months.

I had heard of some Docs putting women on bcps to help them get pregnant. It's thought by some that it helps to balance out your homormones and your first few cycles off birth control you might become pregnant easier.

So I decided to give it a shot. Go on bcp for a few months and lose some more weight. Of course weight often comes up when you are a woman with PCOS. Most of us are overweight women although there are thin cysters as well. I got pregnant with Savannah weighing between 215 and 220. So 215 is the weight I am shooting for between now and October. That would give me 4 months on bcp and a loss of 47 lbs. Then I plan to be pushy and ask to go back on Clomid right away.

Ok so I decided all of this and felt good about it. I went to see the nurse practioner. They never let me see my ObGyn anymore. All the Docs are always too busy to see me. So I am adding finding a better ObGyn practice to my list of things to do.

Anyway so I go and see her. My concerns were the constant coming and going of pelvic cramping I have been complaining about for 3 years now and the really fun addition of pain and cramping in my left ovary. I thought perhaps endometriosis might be the cause. She did an exam and told me it was all normal, it was probably just my hormones. She seemed very disapproving about me TTC and said I should be on birth control. That it would "calm everything down." She seemed even further disappointed that I had not lost any weight between the end of February and now.

Basically I felt she was implying that I was suffering because I was TTC and not being a "good girl" by going on birth control and losing weight. Which by the way she never suggested in our earlier visits when she diagnosed me with PCOS and referred me to an Endocrinologist. She knew then I was TTC and said that seeing the Endo would probably help me to become pregnant.

So of course I agreed to the birth control. She said she needs to see me again after I have been on the pills for about 4 months. She said I needed to be on birth control for at least 6 months. My plan however like I said before is to stay on them for 4 months, lose some weight and go back off them. I also am not currently planning to go back and see her. Either I am going to insist that I see my regular ObGyn or I am going to a new practice.

Ok so why does a part of me feel so bad now? Why is there a little voice inside me that says I really hoped she'd tell me going on bcp wasn't necessary. That she'd help me get pregnant........

I dunno. What I do know is I now have 2 free packs of Ovcon 35 and a prescription for an additional 2 months. I am back on Prometrium and as soon as my period starts I will also be starting the birth control. Starting that makes taking a break official.

Maybe it will be nice not to have to temp every morning, worry about my fertility signs or lack of fertility signs. To baby dance whenever we want instead of telling my Dh he has to wait because we just baby danced the night before. The lack of wondering if this month was the month or the crushing disappointment of another negative ovulation or pregnancy test.

Ok so we're taking a break..................