Monday, October 16, 2006

You are my sunshine... (Republished)

A New Chapter...

It's hard to believe that today you are five years old. You have no idea how proud, old, and excited you make me feel. You are such a bright young lady and I look forward to the day you can show everyone your goals and accomplishments. Here I thought I would be sitting in a different place. Very happy and excited... All the while I am sad, I am sad you are growing up. But I am happy you are becoming your own little person sometimes even a big person. I try not to cry when you hit milestones as I know you are happy and I don't want to hinder your happiness because I am having a hard time with you growing up. All of your “firsts” are my “lasts” as I don’t know what is in store for Daddy and I to have more babies. So I am left helpless wanting more but am ending up short handed.

I remember being pregnant with you like it was yesterday. When I found out I was in disbelief. I could barely read the pregnancy test. I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. I immediately thanked God and Grandpa for you. I called Daddy and told him the news as I didn't know what to do. I was almost stupid. Daddy didn't believe me, so he had me to go the doctor to confirm that you were in my belly.

During our pregnancy I had many ultrasounds with you. I got to see you grow from this nothingness (to me) into a baby. It was amazing. I had to have a special ultrasound of your heart. That was one of the most important things I saw while carrying you. I wanted to be assured that you had no heart problems or defects like my dad, your Grandfather, did. And to see the inside of your heart gave me closure knowing that you would be "ok". Feeling your first movements inside of me to the point where I would literally jump off of the couch because you'd kick me so hard. I couldn't sleep at night because you were on a totally different schedule than me. I adjusted and it helped me prepare for your arrival and sleepless nights. You kept me on my toes… And you still do now.

When Dad and I went to the hospital I was scared. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew that I was willing to endure as much pain in the world to have you as I knew the very moment I saw you it would all wash away. I went through the motions of labor, pitocin, epidural, etc. My body was finally prepared to let you come into the world. The nurse asked if I was ready to push. I looked at your Father and held his hand, looked at him with tears building up in my eyes and said our lives will never be the same. We are going to come home a family of 3. There's no looking back. I attempted to push your body out of me for two hours. After two hours, our vitals were all over the place and the doctor said it's time. It's time to "take" you out. I was prepped for surgery and told Dad I would see him soon, as he was getting into scrubs. Well while I was on the operating table, I could feel the instruments. And then after three attempts of getting me with the spinal I told the doctors if they had to put me “out” to just do it. They told me that Dad wouldn't be able to come in the operating room as I would have a breathing tube. I said do what you have to do. This is my baby and our well being.

I woke up after 32 pain-staking hours; you were finally removed from me. My abdomen was cut open and out you came. I didn't get to hear your first cry, see your first breath or see Daddy cut your umbilical cord. You see, I was knocked out under general anesthesia. So you had a peaceful birth with our “favorite” Doctor. Dad and the rest of our family got to see you first as I was in recovery. You were whisked into this world at 10:11PM and I didn't get to touch or smell you until after 1:00AM. It was an eternity. But after seeing your perfect face, it was all worth the wait. You had 10 fingers and 10 toes, your daddy's toes. I was so proud and after seeing you the pain went all away. You were ours.

I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was actually responsible for breathing, living thing. I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was a mother, a mother to you. It felt weird saying mom, mommy, and mother while in conversation with others. It was all foreign to me. I had a title other than daughter. I have a little person looking up to me. But quickly I have become used to all of the terms referenced as mom. Before I knew it you were saying mama, mom and now mother. What a reward to hear you call me mom. It was music to my ears. And it still is no matter how many times you say it to me.

I have two scars on my stomach, the reason for those scars are because of you. I mean it in a good way. It signifies the hurt and the pain that I went through to have you. I would do it over and over again. It marks your entry into this world. I look at it and I find it hard to believe that you came out of me in such an invasive way. I pray that I will be able to experience this love, again.

I love you Doll. You are my sunshine. My world. My every breath. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

2 Comments:

Blogger Gregory Stewart said...

Missed you blogging, I hope everything is well.

9:26 AM  
Blogger waiting on 2 pink lines said...

This made me cry...I have 3 children one of which just turned 5 in Decembe of 2006...Everything you wrote here was like it was coming from me...

3:53 PM  

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