Phases...
As I mentioned this the other day... I have yet again, another unsuccessful cycle...
I started bleeding four days ago... I had a 25 day cycle. Normally they are 30 days, so it perplexed me why things were happening so soon. I guess living with PCOS means nothing is normal. That night we went to the movies. We saw The DaVinci Code. It was a great movie and I really enjoyed it. Although at the end I had some feelings of self doubt.
On our way home I drove down the unlit bridge to our house. There were some thunderstorms with a lot of thunder and lighting. The lightening was amazing and I tend to think a lot when it rains. It brings back many good childhood memories.
While I am driving home I begin to cry uncontrollably. I am at the point where I can barely breathe and am in hysterics. I can't believe I am actually admitting it at this moment. My husband looks at me and asks me what is wrong? At first I do not want to talk about it as I was a blubbering mess and would most likely make no sense at all.
I give in and start to spew my feelings out to him... I begin to tell him we are tempting fate... I don't know how much longer I can go on with all of 'this'. I then recoil and say but I know nothing else. We have been doing 'this' for three excruciating years. What would I do with myself if I didn't have to take my temperature, suppositories, shots, pills, vaginal ultrasounds?? Oh yeah, life would revert to how it is supposed to be, normal. But all of 'this' is my current normal. I have had it stuck in my mind that I was going to "give up" when my daughter turns 5. That is in 3 days. I was hoping to tell her she was going to be a big sister on her birthday, but again... I can't. I now am saying before she is six. Which means I have until October of this year... Her father missed out the good news on his birthday, now her.
I tell him that I have gone through three phases in our journey of trying to conceive...
I begin to ask myself is God is screwing with me? Is he screwing with us? There has got to be a test somewhere in here. Am I passing or failing? Are we following the right clues? Medically everything is fine with me. All of my parts are functioning properly, with the help of medicine. I long for the day I don't have to take anymore hormones. My hair falls out as a result... Not in clumps but enough to look like I am shedding like an animal. My husband checks out just fine... So why isn't it happening? Why can't one out of 10 million sperm figure out that they are to attack my egg and implant it?!
I then begin to tell him that I am jealous of the way he treats our niece. She's 8 months old. I watched the birth of her and am her godmother and love her dearly. He treats her differently than our own daughter. And it bothers me to no end. I am jealous of him cooing over her. His smile is so big when he sees her and she does the same thing back. I think to myself that this should be us. He should be fawning over our child. I then proceed to tell him I see it oozing out of him that I believe he feels awful we don't have anymore children. I feel guilt, nothing but guilt and take full responsibility for us not having more children. I feel lesser of a woman because of it. I blame myself day in and day out because we aren't pregnant... Some days I tell him, most days I don't. I actually told him he can leave me to be with a woman to give him more children that I can't. I wouldn't blame him... I don't want to take away his dreams of a family. He is a great father and will go through and has gone through great lengths to be a great husband and father to the both of us.
I started bleeding four days ago... I had a 25 day cycle. Normally they are 30 days, so it perplexed me why things were happening so soon. I guess living with PCOS means nothing is normal. That night we went to the movies. We saw The DaVinci Code. It was a great movie and I really enjoyed it. Although at the end I had some feelings of self doubt.
On our way home I drove down the unlit bridge to our house. There were some thunderstorms with a lot of thunder and lighting. The lightening was amazing and I tend to think a lot when it rains. It brings back many good childhood memories.
While I am driving home I begin to cry uncontrollably. I am at the point where I can barely breathe and am in hysterics. I can't believe I am actually admitting it at this moment. My husband looks at me and asks me what is wrong? At first I do not want to talk about it as I was a blubbering mess and would most likely make no sense at all.
I give in and start to spew my feelings out to him... I begin to tell him we are tempting fate... I don't know how much longer I can go on with all of 'this'. I then recoil and say but I know nothing else. We have been doing 'this' for three excruciating years. What would I do with myself if I didn't have to take my temperature, suppositories, shots, pills, vaginal ultrasounds?? Oh yeah, life would revert to how it is supposed to be, normal. But all of 'this' is my current normal. I have had it stuck in my mind that I was going to "give up" when my daughter turns 5. That is in 3 days. I was hoping to tell her she was going to be a big sister on her birthday, but again... I can't. I now am saying before she is six. Which means I have until October of this year... Her father missed out the good news on his birthday, now her.
I tell him that I have gone through three phases in our journey of trying to conceive...
Phase I - My selfishness... Everything revolved around me, me, me. I wanted a baby. He was literally along for the ride.
Phase II - My daughter... I wanted, and still want, her to be a big sister. She longs for a sibling. For 9 months she asked me daily about being a big sister. It kills me. It kills me to know that quite possibly she will be an only child.
Phase III - My husband... When we went through our Pre Cana before our wedding we had written discussions between one another. He wrote that he wanted a family of four children. I told him when I had our daughter that two would be it as I had a long and painful labor. Ever since we were told our first is a miracle and we have secondary infertility I would like 3 children. I guess its human nature to want more of what you can't have. I want to give him that happiness that he had with our daughter. I want him to actually experience my pregnancy this time around.
I begin to ask myself is God is screwing with me? Is he screwing with us? There has got to be a test somewhere in here. Am I passing or failing? Are we following the right clues? Medically everything is fine with me. All of my parts are functioning properly, with the help of medicine. I long for the day I don't have to take anymore hormones. My hair falls out as a result... Not in clumps but enough to look like I am shedding like an animal. My husband checks out just fine... So why isn't it happening? Why can't one out of 10 million sperm figure out that they are to attack my egg and implant it?!
I then begin to tell him that I am jealous of the way he treats our niece. She's 8 months old. I watched the birth of her and am her godmother and love her dearly. He treats her differently than our own daughter. And it bothers me to no end. I am jealous of him cooing over her. His smile is so big when he sees her and she does the same thing back. I think to myself that this should be us. He should be fawning over our child. I then proceed to tell him I see it oozing out of him that I believe he feels awful we don't have anymore children. I feel guilt, nothing but guilt and take full responsibility for us not having more children. I feel lesser of a woman because of it. I blame myself day in and day out because we aren't pregnant... Some days I tell him, most days I don't. I actually told him he can leave me to be with a woman to give him more children that I can't. I wouldn't blame him... I don't want to take away his dreams of a family. He is a great father and will go through and has gone through great lengths to be a great husband and father to the both of us.
posted by TwoWeekWait> |
8:49 PM
1 Comments:
God made Abraham and Sarah wait for many many years before giving them a child, and Abraham was very obedient to God. Just know it's all about God's will and he knows better than we do.
God bless you!
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