Sunday, July 23, 2006

I cry, again...

My vicious cycle is starting, yet again... This doesn't get any easier. The days, weeks, months, years that pass rip through me like a tidal wave washing away all of my emotions rendering me numb. Just when I think that we caught an emotional and spiritual miracle my wings are clipped and I quickly hit the ground with no parachute. I rub my abdomen thinking sorry baby... it just wasn't the right time. Here I would have been honored with the timing as your due date would have been a very important day to me, April 1st. But I can't plan the future. I only hold my (our) destiny in today.

I have begun to question my faith... Are my prayers not good enough? I have sinned just like the next person. I have repented for those sins and have been forgiven, or at least so I think I have been. Not being able to conceive again has really given me every sense of the word doubt. With each and every passing cycle, I feel like I am dying a slow and painful death of suffering.

I feel terrible that my daughter at this point will be the only sibling in our small little family. I knew that I didn't want a small family. I want her to have a support group with other siblings. One day her father and I will be old and eventually pass on to the heavens or hells of this earth. I do not want her to be alone. I want her to have other arms to embrace. I do not want her to be the only one to decide to pull the plug on life support or what casket we should be buried in. I don't want her to pack away her childhood memories when our house is empty. To me it'd just be cruel... I scream to my body saying why don't you work the way you are supposed to?!

I may just need to suck it up that I will never again be able to appreciate the morning sickness, swollen ankles, and countless hours of labor ever again. I miss being pregnant so bad. I regret never taking a picture of myself while pregnant with my daughter as I was too worried that I looked like a beached whale. I was ashamed of my appearance; unappreciative of what I was carrying in my uterus. I took for granted with every sense of the word that I held a child. That I could carry her to full term. That I didn't have problems. And now I feel as if I will never have the glow again.... I read my pregnancy journal I had with my daughter and I regret I didn't keep the book more up to date and never made the time to write my emotional and physical experiences. I just look back on those glorious nine months and I kick myself in my own preverbal ass for taking everything for granted. And now that I am literally on my hands and knees or back begging to have this all happen to me again I am paying the ultimate price... Rubbing an empty uterus, crying myself to sleep and praying that I too may be granted another miracle.

I have begun to wonder what I did so badly to deserve this pain and agony...

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Waiting...

Well today I sit and wait, like I have for the last 13 days. I wait to know if you truly do exist in my uterus, your home for the next nine months. I have less than one week to know if my patience has paid off or if this like most other cycles has been a bust, again. I have been feeling like I am pregnant, but I don't really want to give into those feelings as I have been injected 4 times in the last two weeks with a pregnancy hormone. So, I will just be patient and wait. The patience part is the hardest thing to do. I don't have much patience. A few friends have asked why don't I "just" take a pregnancy test, but the honest answer is there, that I can not accept a negative in that form anymore. I'd rather find out the natural way. It is much easier for me to accept.

I have been over analyzing everything from sore breasts to cramps. But I can't help it. I just want you to be here so bad that it is driving me almost insane. I often wonder how much longer I can hold out for you, but I don't want to give up on you or us. I dream of how our family will adjust to another child. I know our house will be bursting at the seams with more baby stuff. And oh the toys! Can't forget about those. Learning to trip over toys again would be a welcomed pain.

For the past five years I have saved everything that your big sister had in the event you would be a girl. But who knows if you two would be on the same "season" of birth. I have lost closet space in two closets and now I am onto a third. I tend to wonder, what if you would be wearing blue instead of pink? I'd have a lot of clothes to give away to charity.

If we are paired up for nine months, I don't have any idea how I would tell your daddy. I would want a very special way to tell him as mommy blurted it out on the phone the last time. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again. That I would try to maintain composure and tell him in a calm manner. I have often thought about getting pregnant over the holidays with ideas to tell our family we were expecting, but there is not a holiday for awhile. So I will have to be creative and think of something. I'd love to brainstorm here, but dad reads our site here and the cat would be out of the bag.

So I am headed to bed, hoping that soon I will know my destiny about this very hopeful cycle. I hope that my pleas can be heard from above and that God will send me another angel. All I can do is pray... Pray for a miracle.


Friday, July 21, 2006

Do not go gently into the good night - E. Dickinson

Today is day 4 post-op. I've been thinking long and hard about what to say and how to say it. I went in for a relatively routine procedure and could have lost everything. Here's my story..

Tuesday July 18. We arrive at the surgery center at 6:40 am as instructed. I am immediately taken into the "recovery area" where they take all of my vitals and information, verify what procedures that I am having then send me off to "empty my bladder" and change into one of those really ugly surgical gowns. I emerge from the restroom and see my husband sitting there. He smiles at me, a nervous smile, but still a beautiful smile. We talk to for a little bit while the nurses are hooking IV's into me, he holds my hand and tells me how much he loves me and thanks me for going through this to increase our already slim chances of conceiving naturally. A few minutes later, I ask to see my mom. Because, well, she's my mom and always knows the right things to say. I know that she can see the nervousness in my eyes and she leans down next to me and whispers that this is for the best and for the future baby I will one day bear. Time is up and it is time to be wheeled into the Operating Room.

I get into the Operating Room and the first thing I see is all of the shiny pointy objects ready to invade my body. I begin cracking jokes like I'm Chris Rock on stage at the Apollo. I scooch over to the operating table and the Anethesiologist inserts a relaxant and "the drugs" into my right arm.

Problem 1: The IV was hooked up in probably the smallest vein in my right arm and the doctor does not understand why she didn't hook it into my hand since my veins were perfect. The needle shoots out and the drugs infiltrate my arm and miss the vein entirely. All drugs end up under the skin and have no effect on me.

They move the IV from the right side to the left. The Anethesiologist inserts the IV into my left hand an I immediately begin to feel to effects... too fast.

Problem 2: My air supply gets cut off. I try telling them that I cannot breathe and point to my throat. They begin telling me to calm down and relax. My body starts shaking and going into what I like to define as a series of seizures. I rip the IV out of my hand. I remember the nurse running to the intercom yelling something over the speaker and about 30 people running into the room. I hear the Anethesiologist yell "Oh Shit!" and throw a gas mask on my face. My Last thought: I can't believe this is going to be my last memory on Earth.

Obviously, I am alive if I am writing this blog. I awake from Surgery and try to get the quadruple images out of my head. I see doctors and nurses standing around me asking how I feel. I feel fine I guess. Suddenly, the Anethesiologist makes his appearance and asks how I am. I apologize for the incident that happened in the Operating Room. He looks at me and says "What are you talking about?" I sit back for a moment and relive the entire situation and he walks away. My husband comes in and I tell him what happened. As I do with my mom and mother-in-law who are all there with me.

My family thought it might have just been a panic attack but I knew differently. After the morphine that they doped me up on and other drugs wear off, I am able to tell the full story. After that, no one believes that I was suffering from a panic attack. My mom notices that my face is about 3 times it's normal size. She calls the doctor but they are closed, she proceeds to leave a message. The next day we get a call back from the doctor's office, they say not to worry. Meanwhile, my throat is in a lot of pain. Not even an hour after the doctor's office calls, the Anethesiologist calls to check on me. WHAT?!? They NEVER call. I didn't say anything to him because I wanted to talk to my doctor on Monday when I go back or my post-op appointment. I found out later from my family that they never even told them that anything went wrong.

I'm not nuts. I vividly remember the entire thing until the "Oh Shit!" comment. I haven't yet been able to sleep without thinking or dreaming about it. I told my family last night that the experience really messed me up. I only thank God, that I'm OK.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

t minus 2 days and counting

My emotions have been up and down these last few weeks. Tuesday is coming fast. I'm nervous yet excited at the same time. I'm happy that I am going to be able to spend a week away from work. I know how awful that must sound. But, work has been stressing me out tremendously these last few months. This has not been good for me, physically or emotionally. My husband and I are staying at my mom's for the week. My husband is staying with me, but my mom will be there at night to help me out. I'm so thankful that I have both of them. They have both been fantastic through this whole ordeal.

I didn't get AF this month. But, then again, it was my first time off the pill in a long while. At my pre-op appointment the nurse seemed very concerned that I hadn't had AF. I told her not to worry, I was 100% sure I was not pregnant. She asked how and I told her that my husband and I have not had sex since my last AF. Too painful as of late.

Some one please remind me to switch my insurance as soon as humanly possible. We just had to shell out a small fortune for this surgery and they aren't even considering it to be for Fertility reasons which is nice, because it would not have been covered at all. Our insurance sucks.

So, I know this post doesn't make any sense, but my mind is in a thousand different pieces right now. Wish me luck. I'll post in about a week. Thanks for your prayers in advance! :)

Monday, July 10, 2006

IUI Day

Today I had another insemination. It was our 10th to be exact. It was our 10th insemination in the last 18 months.

I took the day off of work knowing that I would want to rest after our procedure. I am resting on my couch as I write this with my legs propped up. This morning I woke up and got ready to leave. I got my daughter ready and whisked her out of the house. I drop her off at her grandmother's house.

I get to the Clinic and pick up my hubby. We head out of the parking lot to go to breakfast together. We decide to go to Bob Evans. As we pull into the parking lot it begins to pour. We eat breakfast and talk about our upcoming procedure. My hubby then tells me after breakfast he is going to head home. He can't hold out until after my procedure after working all night. I understand as he looks exhausted. We eat our breakfast and head back to the Clinic.

I drop him off at his truck and I proceed into the building to the Fertility Suite. I check in and wait a few minutes. I am called back and go to the insemination room. I empty my bladder, undress from the waist down, then cover back up with the napkin of a blanket the provide to you. The medical assistant comes back into the room and shows me the paperwork from my hubby's "collection". I have to verify his name, social security number, and date of birth. I am then told he had a 5 million sperm count which is half of what it was last month, and out of that 5 million, 81% are forward moving!! That is great news! I happily sign off of the paperwork.

I then prepare myself for the insemination put my feet in the stir-ups and scoot down. I remind the medical assistant again the my cervix is very difficult. And she remembered from last month. She noted my chart about it along with the size of the speculum used. Thankfully. I didn't want to have to go through the entire drawer like Goldilocks going from small to big. My cervix as usual was uncooperative. My cervix today was faced towards the floor. So I felt like a gymnist working with the medical assistant. She asked me to put my knees to my chest and I felt a literal "pop". It was finally in place. After a few minutes the medical assistant was able to get the catheder into my cervical canal and place in all 5 million sperm. I have 5 follicles that are ready to go. So it looks like 5 is my lucky number!

Once we were done with the actual insemination the medical insemination propped up my table to promote the swimmers to go where they are supposed to go. She turned out the lights and told me I could leave in 10-15 minutes and closes the door.

I lay there looking up at the ceiling... I start counting the holes in the ceiling tile, the squares in the light cover and looking at my watch. I then get this sudden feeling over me. I begin to cry... I place my left hand on my lower abdomen and begin to rub it. I start to pray and talk to my future baby... I just have a feeling that this could be it. That this could really be the "one". Granted I have had this feeling before, but this time is much, much different. I have to give myself three more shots this cycle of supplemental HCG.

So we are again, in the two week wait. All we can do though is wait and see. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.