Waiting...

Well today I sit and wait, like I have for the last 13 days. I wait to know if you truly do exist in my uterus, your home for the next nine months. I have less than one week to know if my patience has paid off or if this like most other cycles has been a bust, again. I have been feeling like I am pregnant, but I don't really want to give into those feelings as I have been injected 4 times in the last two weeks with a pregnancy hormone. So, I will just be patient and wait. The patience part is the hardest thing to do. I don't have much patience. A few friends have asked why don't I "just" take a pregnancy test, but the honest answer is there, that I can not accept a negative in that form anymore. I'd rather find out the natural way. It is much easier for me to accept.

I have been over analyzing everything from sore breasts to cramps. But I can't help it. I just want you to be here so bad that it is driving me almost insane. I often wonder how much longer I can hold out for you, but I don't want to give up on you or us. I dream of how our family will adjust to another child. I know our house will be bursting at the seams with more baby stuff. And oh the toys! Can't forget about those. Learning to trip over toys again would be a welcomed pain.

For the past five years I have saved everything that your big sister had in the event you would be a girl. But who knows if you two would be on the same "season" of birth. I have lost closet space in two closets and now I am onto a third. I tend to wonder, what if you would be wearing blue instead of pink? I'd have a lot of clothes to give away to charity.

If we are paired up for nine months, I don't have any idea how I would tell your daddy. I would want a very special way to tell him as mommy blurted it out on the phone the last time. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again. That I would try to maintain composure and tell him in a calm manner. I have often thought about getting pregnant over the holidays with ideas to tell our family we were expecting, but there is not a holiday for awhile. So I will have to be creative and think of something. I'd love to brainstorm here, but dad reads our site here and the cat would be out of the bag.

So I am headed to bed, hoping that soon I will know my destiny about this very hopeful cycle. I hope that my pleas can be heard from above and that God will send me another angel. All I can do is pray... Pray for a miracle.

Tags: Waiting, Pregnancy, Infertility