as sited from RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Attend Holiday PartiesDOBe selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don't have to say yes.
DON'TFeel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You've had a difficult year, and you need to concentrate on helping yourselves and each other get through the holidays.
Visit Family and FriendsDOPlan to spend time with other couples or friends who don't have children if family festivities are too much to bear this year.
If you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews, and cousins, consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner rather than the night before.
DON'TRely completely on old family traditions to fulfill your present needs.
CelebrateDOSpend time doing things you like best: preparing a spectacular meal, taking long walks, going horse-back riding or jogging, or curling up by a fire with a good novel.
Plan a special trip for just the two of you a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won't be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.
Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that the two of you are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.
DON'TPretend that there's nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”
Share Your FeelingsDODecide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions. You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can't join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now.)
Express your appreciation to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support during the past year. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.
DON'TBe caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family.
Plan your responses, but don't feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either!
Lend a Helping HandDOTry to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.
DON'TClose yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you're not feeling upbeat yourself.
Stay Tuned-in to Each Other's NeedsDOSet aside time to share your feelings with each other. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through the rough times.
Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.
DON'TGet caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other's comfort more than ever.
Coping with Mother's Day and Father's DayIt can be particularly difficult to face the many emotional issues raised by infertility at a time when everyone is celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. RESOLVE urges men, women and couples who are experiencing infertility to plan ahead for Mother's Day and Father's Day, acknowledge their feelings and prepare themselves emotionally to handle questions and comments from family and friends.
Take a Proactive StanceThink ahead about the day and plan a strategy in advance. Don't wait until the holiday is upon you to make plans.
Focus on Your Parents/Grandparents or Special Parental FigureMake this a special time for them. If a family gathering is planned and it will be pleasant for you, go and enjoy. But, if lots of children or pregnant relatives will be present, and you know this will be upsetting, consider other possibilities. You might plan to see your mother/father at another time during the weekend.
Recognize Potential Painful SituationsRestaurants, for example, may be a source of discomfort. They may ask if you are a mother or a father in order to give you a complimentary item. Be prepared for this question so you are not taken off-guard.
Speak to Your Minister or RabbiBefore a religious service, talk with your clergyperson (or write a letter) and educate him/her about the experience of infertility. Perhaps he/she would be willing to say a prayer or offer words of support for those struggling with this crisis.
Plan an Enjoyable Day TogetherIt is important to work as a couple during these difficult days. Consider tuning out the holiday emphasis entirely and make it an opportunity for a fun day together plan a day outdoors to go hiking, bicycling, or walking on a beach. See that movie you've wanted to see or create a special meal.
