To my unborn...

I have been trying to figure out how to put these emotions I have been having into words… Words that would speak the bowels of my mind… Words that would plea to the powers that be…

Sadly, another cycle has come and gone. For some reason God has declared that I am unfit to be a mother of more than one, yet again. That my husband is unfit to be a father of two, yet again… That my daughter, who has been longing to be a big sister for nearly 5 years has been denied. You may be asking why? I ask myself that countless times a day. Why? God, what have I done to deserve this? What have we done to deserve this? Why can’t I add onto my family? Why can’t I fulfill my maternal instincts? WHY???

To my unborn…

I am bleeding, again.... and my body is crying, again... My body wants to have you inside of me. Why must you be so stubborn?

I look forward to the day that I find out that I am expecting you... It will be a scary day as I will have a long road ahead of me emotionally. But I can't wait to hear the words "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"

I look at my body hoping and praying for the changes that pregnancy brings… The bigger breasts, round-er belly, swollen ankles, hot flashes, back pains, stretch marks, itchy stomach from my ever-growing skin to accommodate the life that is you.

I have these phantom feelings in my abdomen… I can almost feel you kicking me, fluttering around in the protective your fluids we call your padded “room”. I rub my stomach, trying to console you and I begin to talk to you. “Now, now… It’s ok.” I am nursing your frail life into a strong being. I want to be able to see your progess throughout my pregnancy through numerous ultrasounds. I want to see you the size of piece of rice into a little person.

It scares me with the medical problems that run in our family... I want you to have a strong heart so you can survive on the outside of me and become someone successful. So you can show me how much you fought to be here with us. I know your Grandfather will be watching over you as he does for the rest of us.

My breasts ache from the engorgement of breast milk that you hopefully will suckle from my body. As your sister couldn’t figure it out. I just want to experience the bond between us, just once. To say I have experienced it... It would be amazing, truly amazing.

I envision being in the operating room. Preparing for surgery... Your father is next to me holding my hand experiencing his first child birth. He couldn't be there for your sister as mommy had some complications. We know mommy worked hard and “earned” the caesarean section with your big sister. So you will be a planned birth. I want your father to witness a miracle, a miracle that he helped to create. I want him to anticipate the unexpected. I envision seeing you in the operating room after delivery. I see you all blue and covered with the protective skin that was you. I want your cocoon wiped away from you knowing that you are strong enough to take on this world. I want your father to cut the cord between you and I so you can begin a life on your own, with our help, of course. I want to hear you take your first breath of air. I want to hear your first whaling cry to announce that you have made your entrance into this world. You have had your time in your womb, in your plush home. It’s time now… Come out, welcome to the world… You already know your chosen name whether you are a girl or a boy. I just want to be able to hold your tiny hands. To see you. To smell you. To touch you. To hold you.

I just need to you help me out here... Meet mommy in the middle... and together we can get through this. I promise. I will never leave you alone throughout this journey. I know we can do it. And we will do it together...We will have each other for the rest of our lives.

Tags: Infertility