Monday, October 16, 2006

You are my sunshine... (Republished)

A New Chapter...

It's hard to believe that today you are five years old. You have no idea how proud, old, and excited you make me feel. You are such a bright young lady and I look forward to the day you can show everyone your goals and accomplishments. Here I thought I would be sitting in a different place. Very happy and excited... All the while I am sad, I am sad you are growing up. But I am happy you are becoming your own little person sometimes even a big person. I try not to cry when you hit milestones as I know you are happy and I don't want to hinder your happiness because I am having a hard time with you growing up. All of your “firsts” are my “lasts” as I don’t know what is in store for Daddy and I to have more babies. So I am left helpless wanting more but am ending up short handed.

I remember being pregnant with you like it was yesterday. When I found out I was in disbelief. I could barely read the pregnancy test. I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. I immediately thanked God and Grandpa for you. I called Daddy and told him the news as I didn't know what to do. I was almost stupid. Daddy didn't believe me, so he had me to go the doctor to confirm that you were in my belly.

During our pregnancy I had many ultrasounds with you. I got to see you grow from this nothingness (to me) into a baby. It was amazing. I had to have a special ultrasound of your heart. That was one of the most important things I saw while carrying you. I wanted to be assured that you had no heart problems or defects like my dad, your Grandfather, did. And to see the inside of your heart gave me closure knowing that you would be "ok". Feeling your first movements inside of me to the point where I would literally jump off of the couch because you'd kick me so hard. I couldn't sleep at night because you were on a totally different schedule than me. I adjusted and it helped me prepare for your arrival and sleepless nights. You kept me on my toes… And you still do now.

When Dad and I went to the hospital I was scared. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew that I was willing to endure as much pain in the world to have you as I knew the very moment I saw you it would all wash away. I went through the motions of labor, pitocin, epidural, etc. My body was finally prepared to let you come into the world. The nurse asked if I was ready to push. I looked at your Father and held his hand, looked at him with tears building up in my eyes and said our lives will never be the same. We are going to come home a family of 3. There's no looking back. I attempted to push your body out of me for two hours. After two hours, our vitals were all over the place and the doctor said it's time. It's time to "take" you out. I was prepped for surgery and told Dad I would see him soon, as he was getting into scrubs. Well while I was on the operating table, I could feel the instruments. And then after three attempts of getting me with the spinal I told the doctors if they had to put me “out” to just do it. They told me that Dad wouldn't be able to come in the operating room as I would have a breathing tube. I said do what you have to do. This is my baby and our well being.

I woke up after 32 pain-staking hours; you were finally removed from me. My abdomen was cut open and out you came. I didn't get to hear your first cry, see your first breath or see Daddy cut your umbilical cord. You see, I was knocked out under general anesthesia. So you had a peaceful birth with our “favorite” Doctor. Dad and the rest of our family got to see you first as I was in recovery. You were whisked into this world at 10:11PM and I didn't get to touch or smell you until after 1:00AM. It was an eternity. But after seeing your perfect face, it was all worth the wait. You had 10 fingers and 10 toes, your daddy's toes. I was so proud and after seeing you the pain went all away. You were ours.

I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was actually responsible for breathing, living thing. I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was a mother, a mother to you. It felt weird saying mom, mommy, and mother while in conversation with others. It was all foreign to me. I had a title other than daughter. I have a little person looking up to me. But quickly I have become used to all of the terms referenced as mom. Before I knew it you were saying mama, mom and now mother. What a reward to hear you call me mom. It was music to my ears. And it still is no matter how many times you say it to me.

I have two scars on my stomach, the reason for those scars are because of you. I mean it in a good way. It signifies the hurt and the pain that I went through to have you. I would do it over and over again. It marks your entry into this world. I look at it and I find it hard to believe that you came out of me in such an invasive way. I pray that I will be able to experience this love, again.

I love you Doll. You are my sunshine. My world. My every breath. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

To my unborn... (Republished)

I have been trying to figure out how to put these emotions I have been having into words… Words that would speak the bowels of my mind… Words that would plea to the powers that be…

Sadly, another cycle has come and gone. For some reason God has declared that I am unfit to be a mother of more than one, yet again. That my husband is unfit to be a father of two, yet again… That my daughter, who has been longing to be a big sister for nearly 5 years has been denied. You may be asking why? I ask myself that countless times a day. Why? God, what have I done to deserve this? What have we done to deserve this? Why can’t I add onto my family? Why can’t I fulfill my maternal instincts? WHY???

To my unborn…

I am bleeding, again.... and my body is crying, again... My body wants to have you inside of me. Why must you be so stubborn?

I look forward to the day that I find out that I am expecting you... It will be a scary day as I will have a long road ahead of me emotionally. But I can't wait to hear the words "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"

I look at my body hoping and praying for the changes that pregnancy brings… The bigger breasts, round-er belly, swollen ankles, hot flashes, back pains, stretch marks, itchy stomach from my ever-growing skin to accommodate the life that is you.

I have these phantom feelings in my abdomen… I can almost feel you kicking me, fluttering around in the protective your fluids we call your padded “room”. I rub my stomach, trying to console you and I begin to talk to you. “Now, now… It’s ok.” I am nursing your frail life into a strong being. I want to be able to see your progess throughout my pregnancy through numerous ultrasounds. I want to see you the size of piece of rice into a little person.

It scares me with the medical problems that run in our family... I want you to have a strong heart so you can survive on the outside of me and become someone successful. So you can show me how much you fought to be here with us. I know your Grandfather will be watching over you as he does for the rest of us.

My breasts ache from the engorgement of breast milk that you hopefully will suckle from my body. As your sister couldn’t figure it out. I just want to experience the bond between us, just once. To say I have experienced it... It would be amazing, truly amazing.

I envision being in the operating room. Preparing for surgery... Your father is next to me holding my hand experiencing his first child birth. He couldn't be there for your sister as mommy had some complications. We know mommy worked hard and “earned” the caesarean section with your big sister. So you will be a planned birth. I want your father to witness a miracle, a miracle that he helped to create. I want him to anticipate the unexpected. I envision seeing you in the operating room after delivery. I see you all blue and covered with the protective skin that was you. I want your cocoon wiped away from you knowing that you are strong enough to take on this world. I want your father to cut the cord between you and I so you can begin a life on your own, with our help, of course. I want to hear you take your first breath of air. I want to hear your first whaling cry to announce that you have made your entrance into this world. You have had your time in your womb, in your plush home. It’s time now… Come out, welcome to the world… You already know your chosen name whether you are a girl or a boy. I just want to be able to hold your tiny hands. To see you. To smell you. To touch you. To hold you.

I just need to you help me out here... Meet mommy in the middle... and together we can get through this. I promise. I will never leave you alone throughout this journey. I know we can do it. And we will do it together...We will have each other for the rest of our lives.