Tips for Coping with Infertility during the Holidays
as sited from RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Attend Holiday Parties
DO
Be selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don't have to say yes.
DON'T
Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You've had a difficult year, and you need to concentrate on helping yourselves and each other get through the holidays.
Visit Family and Friends
DO
Plan to spend time with other couples or friends who don't have children if family festivities are too much to bear this year.
If you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews, and cousins, consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner rather than the night before.
DON'T
Rely completely on old family traditions to fulfill your present needs.
Celebrate
DO
Spend time doing things you like best: preparing a spectacular meal, taking long walks, going horse-back riding or jogging, or curling up by a fire with a good novel.
Plan a special trip for just the two of you a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won't be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.
Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that the two of you are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.
DON'T
Pretend that there's nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”
Share Your Feelings
DO
Decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions. You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can't join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now.)
Express your appreciation to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support during the past year. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.
DON'T
Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family.
Plan your responses, but don't feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either!
Lend a Helping Hand
DO
Try to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.
DON'T
Close yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you're not feeling upbeat yourself.
Stay Tuned-in to Each Other's Needs
DO
Set aside time to share your feelings with each other. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through the rough times.
Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.
DON'T
Get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other's comfort more than ever.
Coping with Mother's Day and Father's Day
It can be particularly difficult to face the many emotional issues raised by infertility at a time when everyone is celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. RESOLVE urges men, women and couples who are experiencing infertility to plan ahead for Mother's Day and Father's Day, acknowledge their feelings and prepare themselves emotionally to handle questions and comments from family and friends.
Take a Proactive Stance
Think ahead about the day and plan a strategy in advance. Don't wait until the holiday is upon you to make plans.
Focus on Your Parents/Grandparents or Special Parental Figure
Make this a special time for them. If a family gathering is planned and it will be pleasant for you, go and enjoy. But, if lots of children or pregnant relatives will be present, and you know this will be upsetting, consider other possibilities. You might plan to see your mother/father at another time during the weekend.
Recognize Potential Painful Situations
Restaurants, for example, may be a source of discomfort. They may ask if you are a mother or a father in order to give you a complimentary item. Be prepared for this question so you are not taken off-guard.
Speak to Your Minister or Rabbi
Before a religious service, talk with your clergyperson (or write a letter) and educate him/her about the experience of infertility. Perhaps he/she would be willing to say a prayer or offer words of support for those struggling with this crisis.
Plan an Enjoyable Day Together
It is important to work as a couple during these difficult days. Consider tuning out the holiday emphasis entirely and make it an opportunity for a fun day together plan a day outdoors to go hiking, bicycling, or walking on a beach. See that movie you've wanted to see or create a special meal.
Attend Holiday Parties
DO
Be selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don't have to say yes.
DON'T
Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You've had a difficult year, and you need to concentrate on helping yourselves and each other get through the holidays.
Visit Family and Friends
DO
Plan to spend time with other couples or friends who don't have children if family festivities are too much to bear this year.
If you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews, and cousins, consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner rather than the night before.
DON'T
Rely completely on old family traditions to fulfill your present needs.
Celebrate
DO
Spend time doing things you like best: preparing a spectacular meal, taking long walks, going horse-back riding or jogging, or curling up by a fire with a good novel.
Plan a special trip for just the two of you a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won't be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.
Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that the two of you are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.
DON'T
Pretend that there's nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”
Share Your Feelings
DO
Decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions. You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can't join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now.)
Express your appreciation to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support during the past year. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.
DON'T
Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family.
Plan your responses, but don't feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either!
Lend a Helping Hand
DO
Try to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.
DON'T
Close yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you're not feeling upbeat yourself.
Stay Tuned-in to Each Other's Needs
DO
Set aside time to share your feelings with each other. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through the rough times.
Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.
DON'T
Get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other's comfort more than ever.
Coping with Mother's Day and Father's Day
It can be particularly difficult to face the many emotional issues raised by infertility at a time when everyone is celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. RESOLVE urges men, women and couples who are experiencing infertility to plan ahead for Mother's Day and Father's Day, acknowledge their feelings and prepare themselves emotionally to handle questions and comments from family and friends.
Take a Proactive Stance
Think ahead about the day and plan a strategy in advance. Don't wait until the holiday is upon you to make plans.
Focus on Your Parents/Grandparents or Special Parental Figure
Make this a special time for them. If a family gathering is planned and it will be pleasant for you, go and enjoy. But, if lots of children or pregnant relatives will be present, and you know this will be upsetting, consider other possibilities. You might plan to see your mother/father at another time during the weekend.
Recognize Potential Painful Situations
Restaurants, for example, may be a source of discomfort. They may ask if you are a mother or a father in order to give you a complimentary item. Be prepared for this question so you are not taken off-guard.
Speak to Your Minister or Rabbi
Before a religious service, talk with your clergyperson (or write a letter) and educate him/her about the experience of infertility. Perhaps he/she would be willing to say a prayer or offer words of support for those struggling with this crisis.
Plan an Enjoyable Day Together
It is important to work as a couple during these difficult days. Consider tuning out the holiday emphasis entirely and make it an opportunity for a fun day together plan a day outdoors to go hiking, bicycling, or walking on a beach. See that movie you've wanted to see or create a special meal.
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posted by TwoWeekWait> |
6:48 PM
4 Comments:
I'm so glad I found your site. I am a coach specializing in fertility. If you would like to sign up for my newsletters drop me a line, or stop by my blog http://fionascoachingblog.blogspot.com
Great site!
Please don't take this the wrong way, I do not mean to be insensistive, but surely less focus on the infertility issue and more focus on enjoying life with family and friends (childless or not) would be better than staying away from loved ones because they are not infertile?
Good grief - avoiding children, because of the "pain"? My god, the world is FULL of children! If a couple with fertility problems can't cope with seeing their own flesh and blood relatives, large and small, are they fit to be parents? Whatever happened to enjoying the laughter of children? Being happy at the happiness of others? Being supportive of others? Ever consider that raising children is not a 24 hr barrel of laughs, it's actually hard work?
As for father's / mother's day, gee, I always think of MY mother / father on those days, NOT MYSELF. Sheesh.
Surely all that self-indulgent envy and self-obesssion could be turned to far more constructive things in life.
While I did not write this article... I do agree with the comments made about family. That is what children are all about.
Some of the suggestions are good and make some sort of sense, but like most articles you read you disagree with at least some of it.
I appreciate your readership and I am working on a new post.
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