::Two Week Wait::

Taking the month off...

2009-10-08T21:34:00.002-05:00

Well my cycle for September came and went. I got my period 4 days after my last HCG shot. I was totally at peace this cycle. I had 2 chemical pregnancies in 4 months. And this month I promised myself not to test.

Being on Femara/Letrozol has been amazing with one exception... The side effect of weight gain. I gained 14 pounds in 4 months. To put it in perspective I gained 17 pounds with my second baby and this time there was nothing cooking in there. It freaked me out and while I thought I had the weight under control clearly I didn't. Femara/Letrozole made me so hungry. It seemed like I couldn't eat enough. As a result of this I started to panic and I felt it be necessary that I take a month off and try to re-group myself. It feels weird not making any trips or taking pills, but it's necessary that I do this for myself. I am 7 days in my cycle and I have lost 10 pounds. So I am happy I made my decision.

Come November we will commence our journey again and be done no later than March and that's' truly stretching it.

Will the third time be a charm??

2009-08-26T20:25:00.002-05:00

Well since I have last posted I had a chemical pregnancy. It was really bizzare because I *knew* I was pregnant and my cravings for Chinese food was out of control. I ended up and I took a pregnancy test as I was 3 days late and it came up very positive. Within an hour my period started. I was very happy and truly in disbelief. I knew there was no way in hell that we could ever be that lucky. Well I went to the doctor 3 days later and they drew a beta HCG and I got the results back (when I shouldn't have). My result was a 21... Anything over a 5 is considered pregnant. That explained how painful my July cycle was.

July's cycle was a bust and that was fine... we were away out of town and the environment wasn't conduicve to sex of any kid... No quickies at all.

We are new in the tail-end of our August cycle. I will be taking my last HCG shot tomorrow night... Then I have to wait 10 days to test. I am not holding my breath. I am hopeful, but nothing has ever come to me easy. This cycle I have another weird craving. I have a taste for Subway... I have had it 3 days in a week! I have not had any other indications of being pregnant, it's really too soon to know. I am hoping for my wish to come true and for my birthday to have a bun in the oven.

Positive outlook...

2009-06-28T08:51:00.002-05:00

Today is CD 19 for me. I am officially in the TWW.

CD 13 - My follicle scan showed 1 follicle (on the right side) that had potential.

CD 15 - My follicle scan showed 2 really (again on the right side) nice follicles. My LH level was already 80 (which is high!!). The IVF clinic was happy to see that high of a number. While trying for my second I never had a number so high. Today I also had a positive OPK. I mixed up my HCG and my hubby administered it to me.

CD 18 - I took my first injection of supplemental HCG last night and I still feel so bloated. This is one feeling I totally forgot about. But in the end, all very worth it.

It's nice taking our time with these few cycles... We are not doing IUI's. We are just using medical intervention with medication. I am enjoying not having to go to the clinic and getting in those stir-ups more than I have to.

We shall see what happens in the meantime I am trying not to think about the bad and focusing on the good. This time around I am in a totally different mindset and I am proud of myself.

New treatment, new beginnings...

2009-06-20T20:44:00.003-05:00

Today is CD 11... I am doing well after being on Femara. I don't feel very emotional. I am not going zero-to-psycho in no time flat. So I am happy for the lack of noticable change in hormones. I wish I was on Femara the last time. Clomid was SO hard on me and my family but I lived through it.

I have continued taking my Baby Aspirin as well as 2 teaspoons of Cough Syrup with Guaifenesin. I have been using a cheaper drug store brand.Taking this until you ovulate helps with cervical mucus. I took this when I got pregnant with my second child and I am hoping it works again. It tastes disgusting but a tiny cocktail in the morning is worth it!

I go into the fertility clinic on Monday (CD13) for a follicle scan. Then let the fun begin!

Crazy...

2009-06-14T12:02:00.002-05:00

I have kept this blog throughout my infertility journey(ies)...

I was successful to conceive our second daughter in August 2006. After having a complicated pregnancy and complicated delivery followed by major complications.

I seek closure...

My maternal instincts have told me to try... Try for less than 6 months to make our family complete.

I have abandoned this site and now I come back with my newest journey.

Infertility: Is it Stress Related?

2007-09-06T21:19:00.000-05:00

Sited from: Cleveland Clinic

As a patient of the Cleveland Clinic for our infertility treatments, I wish I would have had this brochure.

The stressful nature of infertility has long been recognized. In earlier years, the focus was on whether psychological stress or psychopathology prevented conception, particularly for women. With advances in the technological assessment of fertility's organic causes, the number of couples with unexplained infertility has decreased, resulting in less emphasis on mysterious psychological causes of infertility.

Stress could theoretically interfere with pregnancy through direct hormonal effects, or indirectly by impairing a couple's capacity to have effective sexual intercourse or to follow the complex instructions and sexual prescriptions involved in medical treatment. However, the major focus of mental health care for infertile couples is to help them cope with the emotional impact of infertility treatment.

The "normal" stress of infertility treatment
Why is psychological distress a normal state while going through infertility treatment?

A diagnosis of infertility is always stressful. Some men or women might already know or suspect that they are infertile; for example, if they have undergone cancer chemotherapy in the past or have had endometriosis. For others, the failure to conceive a child is very much a surprise. Many couples do not realize that in about 40 percent of infertile couples, a male factor contributes to the problem.

The following factors can emotionally influence couples who have been diagnosed as infertile and/or who might be considering infertility treatment:

Uncertainty about the success of fertility treatment
Grief associated with infertility diagnosis
Feeling of losing control
Loss of self-esteem
Financial strain
Marital Stress
Sexual Pressure
Family Pressure

Uncertainty about success of fertility treatment
One of the most difficult issues is the uncertainty about whether treatment for infertility will be successful. Going through diagnostic tests and then trying to conceive for a number of ovulation cycles is an emotional roller coaster of hope and disappointment for many couples.

Spouses sometimes have trouble agreeing on which fertility option to try: adoption, gamete donation, high technology treatments, etc. After many different treatments have been tried unsuccessfully, partners also need to agree on when to give up. However, there is often just one more, possibly more expensive medical treatment that holds some promise of working.

Infertility: Source of grieving
Many people do not recognize that infertility is a source of grieving. The loss of a child who was wanted and imagined but never conceived is a legitimate loss, much like suffering a miscarriage or a stillborn baby.

Feeling of losing control
A "typical" couple that participates in an infertility program is in their early to mid-30s, with two white collar or professional careers. Typically, when they've worked hard, they've always achieved their goals. With infertility, however, no matter how hard the couple might work at conceiving and how carefully they follow the physician's instructions, they have limited control over the outcome. It is this loss of control that is so difficult.

Loss of self-esteem
Many men and women feel a loss of self-esteem when they discover they have an infertility problem. They feel less valuable as a spouse and might even doubt whether they are a "real" man or woman. Of course gender and sexuality do not depend on fertility, but feelings do not always respond to logical thinking. Many couples find it painful to be around children, particularly at family gatherings. They also might have to deal with questions from parents about why no grandchildren have yet been conceived.

Financial strain
Because of poor insurance coverage for infertility treatment, choosing to pursue medical options often puts a financial strain on families. Because of the current insurance conditions in the United States, many couples treated for infertility have to pay for part or all the costs out of their pocket. Coverage for mental health services is also often poor, making couples reluctant to seek additional help.

Marital stress
A diagnosis of infertility can affect a marriage relationship. Often the spouse with an infertility factor fears that the other partner will leave and find someone who is able to have children. Sometimes, if only one partner is infertile, he or she will even try to persuade the spouse to get a divorce. Once infertility treatment has begun, one spouse might feel that the other is less motivated to succeed. This creates tremendous anger. Sometimes the stress on the relationship is so great that one spouse will have an affair to prove his or her self-worth or even to demonstrate fertility with someone else.

Sexual pressure
The demand to have intercourse at the proper times can provoke frustration when one partner has a business trip, is working late, or just cannot get in the mood for sex. Couples who go through cycles of sex on demand often find that lovemaking loses its spontaneity and playfulness. Sex becomes a chore to be performed at mid-cycle only. Sometimes the pressure to perform at mid-cycle is so great that a man has trouble with erection or is unable to ejaculate.

Most couples dread the postcoital test, in which intercourse must be scheduled just before a visit to the infertility clinic. Even providing a semen sample through masturbation can be an unpleasant and anxiety-provoking experience.

For some couples, erection or ejaculation problems are actually causes of infertility and need to be treated with medical or psychological therapies. Women might have trouble getting aroused so that vaginal dryness or muscle tension make intercourse painful. Unfortunately, gel lubricants that could make sex more comfortable interfere with the movement of the sperm through the vagina. It is common to have distracting thoughts about the infertility during sex, further reducing the pleasure that partners feel from lovemaking.

There is no good scientific evidence that having an orgasm during intercourse will increase a woman's chance of conceiving. Some infertility specialists might even tell couples to use special sexual techniques that are not scientifically-proven to enhance fertility, such as telling men to try to ejaculate on a very deep thrust, or telling women to hold their legs up for half an hour after intercourse so that semen will remain deep in the vagina.

Family pressure
Sometimes one or both sides of the family pressures the couple to have children. Spouses might also disagree on disclosing the infertility problem or they might disagree on how much to confide in parents or siblings. This can be an especially difficult issue if the couple chooses to use a sperm or egg donor to conceive.

Some of the common concerns include: Should anyone outside of the couple know? Should the child be told about the gamete donation? There is not one right or wrong answer, but these issues can add stress.

Guidelines to help couples cope
Most couples actually cope quite well with infertility, but some can benefit from professional help. Counseling could take the form of a support group, individual sessions, or couple therapy -- whichever is most appropriate for the problem. Often, the infertility team can offer support and advice, and that might be all that is needed to help a couple cope with infertility.

Some guidelines for coping include:

Be aware that taking hormones can affect a woman's mood, making her temporarily irritable or depressed. Try to anticipate these times and minimize their impact.

Change your sex life only as much as you need to. Do have sex at the times your doctor recommends, but try to put a priority on lovemaking the rest of the month, too.

Make an effort to enjoy sex by varying the setting and the type of foreplay you use. If you have to have sex on demand, try to plan ahead to make the time as relaxed as possible, for example starting sex at a time when you are not totally exhausted or rushed, beginning with a back rub or a bubble bath together to relax, and spending enough time on foreplay to really get aroused.

If you have distracting thoughts about performing, try to think of a sexual fantasy instead. For example, imagine that you are in an exotic vacation setting, remember a time when lovemaking was especially pleasurable, or think of a love scene in a book or movie that aroused you.

For women, remember that standing on your head after sex will not help sperm travel through the cervix.

If a sexual problem is interfering with conception, tell your doctors about it so that they can help you get appropriate medical treatment or sex therapy.

Talk together about what you value about your relationship. Every relationship serves many purposes besides reproduction: companionship, emotional support, making a home together, sharing leisure activities, and building a financial future. After discussing these things, ask yourselves this question: If you remained childless, would your relationship really be worthless?

If the extended family is nagging about when you are going to have a child, decide together how to handle this issue as a team. Do not let parents or other family members come between you as a couple.

Allow yourself and your partner to grieve if a treatment is unsuccessful, or if you give up the idea of having a shared, genetic child. Even if you are very satisfied eventually with a child conceived with an egg or sperm donor, or with an adopted child, you still have experienced a loss and have a right to feel some sadness.

Do you need to see a mental health professional?
Although infertility is rarely a problem caused by stress, mental health professionals can be very helpful in teaching couples techniques to manage stress during infertility treatment, helping them agree on choices that confront them, and helping them grieve and come to an emotional resolution if infertility treatment is not successful.

Although seeing a mental health professional could be viewed by many as a stigma, many infertility programs are requesting that patients routinely go through a psychological counseling session. This is especially helpful for couples before procedures such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) or having a child through gamete donation.

The sessions with a mental health professional allow the infertility program coordinator to identify couples who are having trouble coping or resolving disagreements on how to proceed and to offer appropriate support. Couples also get a chance to discuss their feelings and anxieties.

Some men and women are at high risk for emotional distress related to infertility, especially those who have a shaky marriage relationship, or a history of major depression or anxiety. Other high risk factors include past or current problems with chemical dependency, a history of having been abused as a child, a past event such as an elective abortion or an STD that they fear has contributed to present infertility, or facing difficult choices about using assisted reproductive technology.

Robitussin and infertility

2007-08-15T20:34:00.000-05:00

While going through my own infertility journey I had heard of other women taking Robitussin or any off-brand generic cough medicine containing the active ingredient guaifenesin.

Guaifenesin or more commonly known, Robitussin is used to help clear up congestion, loosen and thin mucus. You take it after you have a color change on your ovulation predictor kit and take the recommended dosage nightly until you get your period or even better a positive pregnancy test. *If you do decide to take Robitussin be sure to use the brand with the only active ingredient guaifenesin do not take it with the decongestant as it will counteract and dry everything up.

I don't know where someone thought of taking this medicine for infertility purposes, but I can attest to the fact that it does work. I don't know if it because of the Robitussin, but I remember the nurse at the fertility clinic commenting on the cervical mucus before my last IUI.

I would recommend this alternative for those of you looking for a last ditch effort or even in the beginning of your journey. It is an inexpensive way to help your body do what it is supposed to do.

Good luck!

Never give up

2007-08-01T20:48:00.000-05:00

I thought giving up on this site, but I did some research and noticed readers still come here. I was honestly shocked. I couldn't believe it, it has been so long since I have dedicated any time to TwoWeekWait. With me seeing there are interested parties it gives me motivation to help others. I thank you. I tried to be very diligent with my writing and I became so engulfed in life I almost let TWW slip away.

I am going to work on writing at least twice a month to start off with. I will begin the first and third Wednesday every month starting, today, August 1st.

I will preface the remainder of this post saying I recently had a child while undergoing fertility treatments.

I conceived my second child while going through infertility treatments. We did not have to go through the serious infertility treatments costing us tens of thousands of dollars. We were persistent that we wanted to keep our cost low. I personally did not want to become "baby broke". I already knew having a child was very expensive, but I didn't want to suffer much debt to achieve a dream of having a larger family. I enrolled in my Flexible Spending Account (FSA) where I work and set aside a set dollar amount for IUI's. I figured I could pay for any prescriptions out of our pocket. I knew how many IUI's I could have with the money I was putting away, so for 2 years that is what I did. In the long run it worked.

We went through a lot in our relationship as most infertile couples do. The stresses mount on top of each other and pretty soon your decisions become clouted and you almost forget who you are and what you are there for. I always tried to stay grounded while caught up in obsessing over having a child. I would try to keep it under wraps and try not to let it show, but inside my mind was racing. Once I "let go" and let it be in the doctors hands for tests and let everything be in gods "assisted" hands I was fine and low and behold, we got pregnant.

My husband and I are strong we managed to get through fertility hardships and our marriage has grown to another level.

I felt plagued being labeled with infertility, but now, I was blessed. We were blessed to go through such hardships to realize what the true meaning of life is. Appreciate it. Appreciate your children. Cherish every moment.

It's been awhile...

2007-02-17T20:23:00.000-05:00

I have neglected this blog for quite sometime... I feel very bad and almost guilty in a sense. I feel like I have let my readers down. I am sure most of you have gone your separate ways.

The reason why I have been gone for this long is I am pregnant. I am currently entering my third trimester due in the spring. I found it very hard to "come out" and share my joyous news with everyone.

I hope you, my readers will understand.

You are my sunshine... (Republished)

2006-10-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

A New Chapter...

It's hard to believe that today you are five years old. You have no idea how proud, old, and excited you make me feel. You are such a bright young lady and I look forward to the day you can show everyone your goals and accomplishments. Here I thought I would be sitting in a different place. Very happy and excited... All the while I am sad, I am sad you are growing up. But I am happy you are becoming your own little person sometimes even a big person. I try not to cry when you hit milestones as I know you are happy and I don't want to hinder your happiness because I am having a hard time with you growing up. All of your “firsts” are my “lasts” as I don’t know what is in store for Daddy and I to have more babies. So I am left helpless wanting more but am ending up short handed.

I remember being pregnant with you like it was yesterday. When I found out I was in disbelief. I could barely read the pregnancy test. I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. I immediately thanked God and Grandpa for you. I called Daddy and told him the news as I didn't know what to do. I was almost stupid. Daddy didn't believe me, so he had me to go the doctor to confirm that you were in my belly.

During our pregnancy I had many ultrasounds with you. I got to see you grow from this nothingness (to me) into a baby. It was amazing. I had to have a special ultrasound of your heart. That was one of the most important things I saw while carrying you. I wanted to be assured that you had no heart problems or defects like my dad, your Grandfather, did. And to see the inside of your heart gave me closure knowing that you would be "ok". Feeling your first movements inside of me to the point where I would literally jump off of the couch because you'd kick me so hard. I couldn't sleep at night because you were on a totally different schedule than me. I adjusted and it helped me prepare for your arrival and sleepless nights. You kept me on my toes… And you still do now.

When Dad and I went to the hospital I was scared. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew that I was willing to endure as much pain in the world to have you as I knew the very moment I saw you it would all wash away. I went through the motions of labor, pitocin, epidural, etc. My body was finally prepared to let you come into the world. The nurse asked if I was ready to push. I looked at your Father and held his hand, looked at him with tears building up in my eyes and said our lives will never be the same. We are going to come home a family of 3. There's no looking back. I attempted to push your body out of me for two hours. After two hours, our vitals were all over the place and the doctor said it's time. It's time to "take" you out. I was prepped for surgery and told Dad I would see him soon, as he was getting into scrubs. Well while I was on the operating table, I could feel the instruments. And then after three attempts of getting me with the spinal I told the doctors if they had to put me “out” to just do it. They told me that Dad wouldn't be able to come in the operating room as I would have a breathing tube. I said do what you have to do. This is my baby and our well being.

I woke up after 32 pain-staking hours; you were finally removed from me. My abdomen was cut open and out you came. I didn't get to hear your first cry, see your first breath or see Daddy cut your umbilical cord. You see, I was knocked out under general anesthesia. So you had a peaceful birth with our “favorite” Doctor. Dad and the rest of our family got to see you first as I was in recovery. You were whisked into this world at 10:11PM and I didn't get to touch or smell you until after 1:00AM. It was an eternity. But after seeing your perfect face, it was all worth the wait. You had 10 fingers and 10 toes, your daddy's toes. I was so proud and after seeing you the pain went all away. You were ours.

I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was actually responsible for breathing, living thing. I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was a mother, a mother to you. It felt weird saying mom, mommy, and mother while in conversation with others. It was all foreign to me. I had a title other than daughter. I have a little person looking up to me. But quickly I have become used to all of the terms referenced as mom. Before I knew it you were saying mama, mom and now mother. What a reward to hear you call me mom. It was music to my ears. And it still is no matter how many times you say it to me.

I have two scars on my stomach, the reason for those scars are because of you. I mean it in a good way. It signifies the hurt and the pain that I went through to have you. I would do it over and over again. It marks your entry into this world. I look at it and I find it hard to believe that you came out of me in such an invasive way. I pray that I will be able to experience this love, again.

I love you Doll. You are my sunshine. My world. My every breath. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

To my unborn... (Republished)

2006-10-04T20:22:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to figure out how to put these emotions I have been having into words… Words that would speak the bowels of my mind… Words that would plea to the powers that be…

Sadly, another cycle has come and gone. For some reason God has declared that I am unfit to be a mother of more than one, yet again. That my husband is unfit to be a father of two, yet again… That my daughter, who has been longing to be a big sister for nearly 5 years has been denied. You may be asking why? I ask myself that countless times a day. Why? God, what have I done to deserve this? What have we done to deserve this? Why can’t I add onto my family? Why can’t I fulfill my maternal instincts? WHY???

To my unborn…

I am bleeding, again.... and my body is crying, again... My body wants to have you inside of me. Why must you be so stubborn?

I look forward to the day that I find out that I am expecting you... It will be a scary day as I will have a long road ahead of me emotionally. But I can't wait to hear the words "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"

I look at my body hoping and praying for the changes that pregnancy brings… The bigger breasts, round-er belly, swollen ankles, hot flashes, back pains, stretch marks, itchy stomach from my ever-growing skin to accommodate the life that is you.

I have these phantom feelings in my abdomen… I can almost feel you kicking me, fluttering around in the protective your fluids we call your padded “room”. I rub my stomach, trying to console you and I begin to talk to you. “Now, now… It’s ok.” I am nursing your frail life into a strong being. I want to be able to see your progess throughout my pregnancy through numerous ultrasounds. I want to see you the size of piece of rice into a little person.

It scares me with the medical problems that run in our family... I want you to have a strong heart so you can survive on the outside of me and become someone successful. So you can show me how much you fought to be here with us. I know your Grandfather will be watching over you as he does for the rest of us.

My breasts ache from the engorgement of breast milk that you hopefully will suckle from my body. As your sister couldn’t figure it out. I just want to experience the bond between us, just once. To say I have experienced it... It would be amazing, truly amazing.

I envision being in the operating room. Preparing for surgery... Your father is next to me holding my hand experiencing his first child birth. He couldn't be there for your sister as mommy had some complications. We know mommy worked hard and “earned” the caesarean section with your big sister. So you will be a planned birth. I want your father to witness a miracle, a miracle that he helped to create. I want him to anticipate the unexpected. I envision seeing you in the operating room after delivery. I see you all blue and covered with the protective skin that was you. I want your cocoon wiped away from you knowing that you are strong enough to take on this world. I want your father to cut the cord between you and I so you can begin a life on your own, with our help, of course. I want to hear you take your first breath of air. I want to hear your first whaling cry to announce that you have made your entrance into this world. You have had your time in your womb, in your plush home. It’s time now… Come out, welcome to the world… You already know your chosen name whether you are a girl or a boy. I just want to be able to hold your tiny hands. To see you. To smell you. To touch you. To hold you.

I just need to you help me out here... Meet mommy in the middle... and together we can get through this. I promise. I will never leave you alone throughout this journey. I know we can do it. And we will do it together...We will have each other for the rest of our lives.

Temporary mental break

2006-09-27T19:15:00.000-05:00

To my readers, I wanted to apologize for being "away" for so long. I have been trying to take a mental break from certain aspects in my life and trying to conceive has been one of them, unfortunately. To replace my regular posts, I have been trying to site interesting articles I have found on-line to educate and have received some good and some bad responses. I can't please them all, but all I can say is that I tried.

My mind feels much clearer and I believe that trying to live less stress free on the conception front has been extremely helpful. I should have more time to post in the next couple of weeks. Until then I will re-post a few posts.

Tips for Coping with Infertility during the Holidays

2006-09-11T18:48:00.000-05:00

as sited from RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Attend Holiday Parties

DO
Be selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don't have to say yes.

DON'T
Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You've had a difficult year, and you need to concentrate on helping yourselves and each other get through the holidays.

Visit Family and Friends

DO
Plan to spend time with other couples or friends who don't have children if family festivities are too much to bear this year.

If you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews, and cousins, consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner rather than the night before.

DON'T
Rely completely on old family traditions to fulfill your present needs.

Celebrate

DO
Spend time doing things you like best: preparing a spectacular meal, taking long walks, going horse-back riding or jogging, or curling up by a fire with a good novel.

Plan a special trip for just the two of you a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won't be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.

Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that the two of you are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.

DON'T
Pretend that there's nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”

Share Your Feelings

DO
Decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions. You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can't join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now.)

Express your appreciation to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support during the past year. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.

DON'T
Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family.

Plan your responses, but don't feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either!

Lend a Helping Hand

DO
Try to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.

DON'T
Close yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you're not feeling upbeat yourself.

Stay Tuned-in to Each Other's Needs

DO
Set aside time to share your feelings with each other. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through the rough times.

Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.

DON'T
Get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other's comfort more than ever.

Coping with Mother's Day and Father's Day

It can be particularly difficult to face the many emotional issues raised by infertility at a time when everyone is celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. RESOLVE urges men, women and couples who are experiencing infertility to plan ahead for Mother's Day and Father's Day, acknowledge their feelings and prepare themselves emotionally to handle questions and comments from family and friends.

Take a Proactive Stance
Think ahead about the day and plan a strategy in advance. Don't wait until the holiday is upon you to make plans.

Focus on Your Parents/Grandparents or Special Parental Figure
Make this a special time for them. If a family gathering is planned and it will be pleasant for you, go and enjoy. But, if lots of children or pregnant relatives will be present, and you know this will be upsetting, consider other possibilities. You might plan to see your mother/father at another time during the weekend.

Recognize Potential Painful Situations
Restaurants, for example, may be a source of discomfort. They may ask if you are a mother or a father in order to give you a complimentary item. Be prepared for this question so you are not taken off-guard.

Speak to Your Minister or Rabbi
Before a religious service, talk with your clergyperson (or write a letter) and educate him/her about the experience of infertility. Perhaps he/she would be willing to say a prayer or offer words of support for those struggling with this crisis.

Plan an Enjoyable Day Together
It is important to work as a couple during these difficult days. Consider tuning out the holiday emphasis entirely and make it an opportunity for a fun day together plan a day outdoors to go hiking, bicycling, or walking on a beach. See that movie you've wanted to see or create a special meal.

What impact does infertility have on emotional well-being?

2006-09-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

Sited from: American Pregnancy

Infertility often creates one of the most distressing life crises that a couple has ever experienced together. The long term inability to conceive a child can evoke significant feelings of loss. Coping with the multitude of medical decisions and the uncertainties that infertility brings can create great emotional upheaval for most couples. If you find yourself feeling anxious, depressed, out of control, or isolated, you are not alone.
How do I know if I could benefit from psychological counseling?

Everyone has feelings and emotional ups and downs as they pursue infertility treatment. Feeling overwhelmed at times is a perfectly normal response. However, if you experience any of the following symptoms over a prolonged period of time, you may benefit a great deal from working with a mental health professional:

* Loss of interest in usual activities
* Depression that doesn't lift
* Strained interpersonal relationships (with partner, family, friends and/or colleagues)
* Difficulty thinking of anything other than your infertility
* High levels of anxiety
* Diminished ability to accomplish tasks
* Difficulty with concentration
* Change in your sleep patterns (difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, early morning awakening, sleeping more than usual for you)
* Change in your appetite or weight (increase or decrease)
* Increased use of drugs or alcohol
* Thoughts about death or suicide
* Social isolation
* Persistent feelings of pessimism, guilt, or worthlessness
* Persistent feelings of bitterness or anger

In addition, there are certain points during infertility treatment when discussion with a mental health professional can help facilitate clarification of your thinking and help with your decision making. For example, consultation with a mental health professional may be helpful to you and your partner if you are:

* At a treatment crossroad
* Deciding between alternative treatment possibilities
* Exploring other family building options
* Considering third party assistance (gamete donation, surrogacy)
* Having difficulty communicating or if you have different ideas about what direction to take

How can psychological treatment help me/us cope with infertility?

Mental health professionals with experience in infertility treatment can help a great deal. Their primary goal is to help individuals and couples learn how to cope with the physical and emotional changes associated with infertility, as well as with the medical treatments that can be painful and intrusive. For some, the focus may be on how to deal with a partner's response. For others, it may be on how to choose the right medical treatment or how to begin exploring other family building options.

Some couples may need help on how to control stress, anxiety, or depression. Mental health professionals can help you work through your grief, fear, and other emotions so that you can find resolution with your infertility. A good therapist can help you sort out feelings, strengthen already present coping skills and develop new ones, and communicate with others more clearly. For many, the life crisis of infertility eventually proves to be an opportunity for life-enhancing personal growth.
How can I find a mental health professional experienced in working with infertility?

Make sure you choose a mental health professional who is familiar with the emotional experience of infertility. It is recommended that they have:

* A graduate degree in a mental health profession
* A license to practice and/or state registration
* Clinical training in the psychological aspects of infertility
* Experience in the medical and psychological aspects of reproductive medicine

It may prove helpful to interview more than one person. Ask them for their credentials as well as their experience with infertility issues and treatments. Ask if they are currently seeing other people with infertility. Although the process of finding a professional may be stressful, the right person may end up being an invaluable support in your overall well-being.

What's in your water?

2006-08-22T19:20:00.000-05:00

I recently spoke to a research person for an up and coming Conception Company. His company he works for are developing home fertility kits to make trying to conceive less medical and more personal. He was very nice and had a lot of information to offer to me.

The one thing that stuck out in my mind was the one question he asked me, “Do you drink tap water”? I responded, “Of course, all the time.” He proceeded to ask, “Is it well water or city water?” I reply, “It is city water, but I use a Culligan water softener”. I seldom drink carbonated beverages and drink coffee or tea on occasion.

While I am no doctor, I am just forwarding the information along. He began to tell me, you should really try to drink bottled water. The Culligan system won’t do you any good for impurities or chemicals already in the water. There are already estrogens in the water expelled from women all along the lake or river you live near. While your water is in the Wastewater Treatment Plant, estrogens are not addressed in the purification process. In fact, you can’t even boil the estrogens out of your water. Essentially they are urinating birth control pills back into your drinking water. You are taking small doses of birth control and not even knowing it. The same goes for any drugs that are prescribed, Antibiotics, Prozac, Viagra, Vicoden, Oxycontin and Lipitor to name a few. It’s no wonder why America is becoming immune to antibiotics. Our children drink it every day in their water.

The water near where he resides in Michigan has a concentration of Prozac and birth control pills. So you’d think that you’d have a lot of mellow, non-depressed residents of the communities that receive that water supply.

So if you sit back and think about it, the next glass of tap water you drink could contain your neighbors prescriptions counteracting what you are already taking.

I have read that researchers are looking for these impurities in the water to attribute to miscarriages, weak contractions during child birth, lack of milk produced by the mother while nursing to name a few. I did a web search for Estrogens in Tap Water on Google. You may check it out at your own free will.

Now I understand why the bottled water industry has become the largest market over recent years. Until I conceive baby number two I will not drink tap water. I am no naturalist or environmental person for sure. But this is a real eye-opening subject that should be made aware to all of our state representatives to push for some testing of our drinking waters.

When you come across several women working in the same office that are pregnant and they say, “I don’t know, it must be the water”. Is totally wrong. Their immune systems should be congratulated.

I am citing this article I found rather interesting.

Drugging Our Water
We Flush It, Then We Drink It

by Melissa Knopper

Birth control pills, estrogen replacement drugs, ibuprofen, bug spray, sunscreen, mouthwash and antibacterial soap: all of these products could turn up in your next glass of tap water, according to the United States Geological Survey (USGS). Last summer, USGS scientists sampled 139 rivers and streams, finding hundreds of prescription and over-the-counter drugs and personal care products lingering in the nation’s water supply.

In many cases, these tiny drug particles were found in river water that is recycled—flowing from one city’s sewer plant into another city’s drinking water system. Many cities can’t afford the charcoal filters required to screen out the final traces of these byproducts from drinking water. Rural homeowners who use well water are at an even greater risk. USGS researchers also turned up antibiotics in nearly half the streams that were sampled, raising other concerns about the nation’s growing antibiotic resistance problem. “This study raised a bunch of red flags,” says Dana Kolpin, lead author of the USGS study. “At these low concentrations, I think there are going to be long-term effects that may take several generations to show up.”

A Threat to Reproductive Health

The dangers of endocrine-disrupting water pollutants such as dioxin and polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) are well known—they have been linked to a variety of reproductive health problems, from endometriosis to low sperm counts. Synthetic hormones in the water may have similar health effects—on both people and wildlife—at very low levels of exposure. “All of these compounds are going into a chemical soup,” says Theo Colborn, senior scientist at the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and author of Our Stolen Future.

Colborn says she is worried about pharmaceutical estrogens mixing with chemicals already present in streams. “You can liken it to side effects of a prescription drug—you don’t know how it’s going to interact with the over-the-counter drugs you’re taking,” Colborn says. “It’s the unexpected, interactive effects that are a real concern.”

For example, she says, bisphenol A, a component of plastic, causes female mice to reach puberty earlier than normal. Bisphenol A forms a weak bond with the body’s estrogen receptors. It can scramble a cell’s natural communication system and cause it to replicate too quickly. That, in turn, raises concerns about breast cancer in humans. What happens if this compound, which is active at low levels of exposure, combines with estrogen from a birth control pill in the water? At this point, it’s still unclear. Colborn says, “It could have long-term health effects.”

These estrogens also could have an additive effect with chemicals such as PCBs, which are found in animal tissue. A recent study by researchers at Michigan State University found mink that were fed a diet of PCB-laden fish from the polluted Housatonic River in Connecticut had offspring with lower birth weights and higher infant mortality rates. Housatonic Riverkeeper Tim Gray, a member of the New York-based Waterkeeper’s Alliance, wonders if PCBs interfere with the mink’s reproduction, what will synthetic estrogen and other drugs do?

Until recently, people thought the estrogens in birth control pills were rendered inactive by the body because the kidneys tack on an extra sugar molecule before they are excreted, says William Owens, a toxicologist who researched estrogen patches for Proctor & Gamble. But now, scientists have learned bacteria in sewage treatment plants chew off that sugar molecule.

A British researcher, John Sumpter, contributed to this discovery while studying fish living near a London wastewater treatment plant. He found male fish that were producing eggs. After he found the compound estradiol in the fish tissue, he concluded estrogens from birth control pills were part of the problem.

Antibiotic Resistance is Growing

Another active area of research and debate is antibiotic resistance. The Union of Concerned Scientists says farmers use 70 percent of antibiotics in the U.S. Large factory farms use antibiotics to prevent confined, crowded livestock from getting sick. But that practice is creating “superbugs,” such as virulent strains of salmonella that can be deadly to humans and difficult to treat. Those superbugs may spread to consumers through contaminated meat or wells, says Dr. John Balbus of Environmental Defense.

Meanwhile, thousands of pounds of triclosan—the active ingredient in antibacterial soaps, deodorants and household cleaners—are also going down the drain into our waterways. Susan Cellura, a spokesperson for Ciba Specialty Chemicals, which manufactures triclosan, says the chemical does not contribute to antibacterial resistance. She quotes a recent report by the European Commission’s Scientific Steering Committee, which concludes: “There is no convincing evidence that triclosan poses a risk to humans or the environment by inducing or transmitting antibacterial resistance under current conditions of use.” Ciba also claims that triclosan does not pose any health threat to wildlife or humans because it’s present in water at very low levels.

But other studies have shown that triclosan does contribute to the resistance problem. Because triclosan is a broad-spectrum antimicrobial agent, it kills all bacteria—even the beneficial kind. That, in turn, creates an environment where the superbugs can flourish, says a Tufts University study. The Tufts researchers also argue that the levels of triclosan in common handsoaps and cleaners are not strong enough to kill certain harmful bacteria. In an August report, the American Medical Association called on the scientific community to do a more thorough review of whether antibacterial consumer products do more harm than good. “The use of these products have never been shown to be superior, to my knowledge, to regular soap and water,” says Dr. Tamar Barlan, director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest’s project on antibiotic resistance.

Protect Yourself—and the Environment

So what are the solutions? Legislation could be one option. The government could, for example, require all cities that use treated wastewater for drinking to install charcoal filters, although that type of legislation won’t likely be passed until research pinpoints exactly how risky these substances can be. But until recently, says Kolpin of the USGS, researchers had no way to even measure these compounds at the very low levels they appear in streams. Waterkeeper’s Gray joins the WWF and other green groups in the call to enact stronger clean water laws. “This new report paints a scary picture of what’s out there in our rivers and lakes,” he says.

In the meantime, WWF’s Colborn recommends some preventative steps:

Use condoms instead of birth control pills;

Choose natural menopause remedies instead of prescription hormones;

Return old prescriptions to the pharmacy rather than flushing them;

Avoid unnecessary use of antibiotics and clean with plain old soap and water.

Switch to antibiotic-free meat or a vegetarian diet.

MELISSA KNOPPER is a Denver-based science writer.

Impatiently waiting...

2006-08-15T19:00:00.000-05:00

Last night I was supposed to take my supplemental Human Chorionic Gonaditropin (HCG) at 7PM as I always do. I searched my refrigerator high and low and it was nowhere to be found. I was freaking out looking all over my house for it with no avail. In a panic I call the Infertility doctor on call and he tells me that it is ok for me to be a day late. He asked that I call the clinic back in the morning to talk to the Medical Assistant. I called and spoke with the Medical Assistant and she said she would have the private Pharmacy I get all of my Infertility medication from to call me and we could work something out. I get a follow-up call from the Pharmacy minutes later and they say I can come and pick it up, but I choose to have it delivered as I live on the far West side of the major city I live in. I figured the $20 for the same day delivery charge would be fine considering the gas prices and the value of my time. I asked the Pharmacy to have my medication delivered to me by 1PM as I was in and out during the morning. One o'clock comes and goes and I finally call the Pharmacy around 3PM. I asked them when my medication would be delivered to me today, if I was even going to get it. At this point I was a bit paranoid, as I already felt guilty for not taking my medication last night and throwing away a nice chunk of change in my trashcan. I was told the courier has had several breakdowns today so there is one man doing deliveries. Oh wonderful! At this point my hands are tied as I am relying on this courier to expedite delivery when really I could have driven there 30 times to get my package. I complain to the Pharmacy saying I paid $20 to have this to me and it's not here. I essentially told them I wanted my money back for my trouble but was basically given the shaft. She said my medication would be in my office in 45 minutes. It was...

I get a call…. He was here, on the premises! In my building! What a sigh of relief. I go to the lobby area and before me stood a creepy man with brown paper bag. My first thought is DRUGS!!!! He’s holding what I hope can be the golden (really clear) fluid to help me maintain a baby hormonally if s/he is growing in there. I quickly sign his clipboard and rushed back to my office. What a sigh of relief.

Once I get back to my office, I quickly mix my HCG. I couldn’t do it fast enough. I took off the tops of the two vials, swabbed them with an alcohol pad and brought out my large syringe to mix the bacteriostatic water into the actual gonadotropin hormone powder. I shake gently and draw 25mcc’s to inject in my leg. I cap the syringe and walk briskly to the restroom. I walk into the stall, close the door and practically rip my pants off. At this point I feel like I was some sort of drug addict… Thankfully I am not. Unless you consider being addicted to hormones an addiction. I swab my upper leg/thigh area with an alcohol pad and wait for it to dry. I proceed to grab the fatty area whilst watching what I was doing. Grabbing the fatty area and trying to “stab” myself with a needle. After several attempts, I had to look away with my eyes closed and do it. To my surprise, I did it. But I did it with much trepidation. Come to see that I nearly stuck the syringe in my thumb. But I slowly pushed the medicine into my legs put gauze over it to catch what little blood showed and went about my normal daily activities.

I have learned from this experience that life goes by too quickly and I have taken for granted time. Time is of essence, but you need to finesse it otherwise it can work against you. You become counterproductive in your efforts. Take time out of your day to fully think through the things you do and the actions that you take, being absent minded for just a brief moment could be costly in more ways than money and cause much unneeded stress.

CD19 2dpiui

2006-08-11T20:40:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday afternoon, I left my office early and headed to the doctor's office with my husband for the first time together in our infertility journey. The only reason we were together was because we had a scheduling conflict for someone to watch our daughter. It was interesting to have her with us. It really made it more real with her waiting in the the waiting room very impatiently. It was a reminder to us both why we are going through this new path of life. Once my husband was done we had to wait around the Clinic while his "sample" was being cleansed and prepared for my appointment. We were thirsty and wanted a snack. We went to the Clinic pharmacy and bought pretzels and water then proceeded back to the infertility suite to wait. It is a very nice suite with a homey type feel to it. Earth tones, plush chairs, books and television. Come to find out they have satellite television. That our last ditch effort to entertain our daughter as she was getting bored by the second. The receptionist came out with the remote and said we can turn on whatever we would like. At our princesses request, she wanted cartoons. We obliged. After waiting a little over an hour I was called back to see the Medical Assistant.

I am always nervous before an IUI, even though I have had several of them done, the "edge" never goes away. I was very bloated (still am) as I have 9 follicles. About 5 of them are mature enough to release eggs, so chances are pretty darn good. I had to sign off for my husbands donation. His count was great!!! His total count was 29 million and out of that number he had 8 or 9 million forward moving good sperm. His motility was great too! I was so excited! The last few months his count for the "good" sperm has been between 4 and 6 million so this was a great jump in numbers. Anymore it seems like a numbers game. And odds are in our favor this time.

I advise the new Medical Assistant about my cervix, almost like a disclosure statement. I tell her you are going to have to use the long and wide speculum. I cringe when I say that because that medical devise is the most uncomfortable piece of metal, ever. When it is insterted in me, it is painful, but as with everything else, I manage the pain. It hurts worse when it is a smaller tool, so I put up with the pain with a smile and heavy breathing. After it is in place the Medical Assistant comments on my cervical mucus. Now I was very shocked, because no one has ever said anything to me about my cervical mucus, ever.

Cervical mucus can indicate many things going on in a womans body. Admittedly, I am still learning about my body. I never knew that you have a discharge or mucus that is fertile. Fertile mucus looks much like an egg white. It is that consistency to promote fertilization and becomes a nice place for sperm to travel through. I now know what it looks like because she showed me it. You can have creamy mucus. Lotiony mucus. Clear mucus, the list goes on and on. While it sounds gross, it is rather interesting to be at "one" with your body to understand it.

We then proceeded with the procedure.

It went very, very well. My cervix was fussy, but more cooperative than usual. As I was laying there I was hoping that my husband could be in there with me to hold my hand. But I put that out of my mind knowing that he couldn't be there. I was thankful he was in the same building with me. And I knew if the circumstances were different he'd be right next to me praying that a baby would be concieved in the next couple of days.After we were done, the Medical Assistant wished me luck and knocked on the door which was solid wood and repeated again her good luck wishes to us.

CD15

2006-08-07T20:08:00.000-05:00

When I went to the doctor on Friday morning I had about nine follicles in the works. I would imagine that half of these would just "die" off and not create an egg. So upon insemination day I should have 4 to 5 mature follicles ready to be fertilized. But then that means that I will be releasing all of these eggs with the potential that all of them could be babies. It is a scary thought, but it is something that I have to consider every time I take fertility medications.

Tonight I will be taking my large dose of HCG. Lately the shots haven't hurt badly nor have I bruised like I have in the past. I normally do the large shot in my left leg, but tonight I will be doing it in my right leg to change things up a bit.

As I mentioned in my previous entry I am literally taking this cycle very laid back. I am not stressing about a thing. I am not worried about when I have sex. Although it's nice to have it often, but I don't have baby making on the mind. I haven't thought twice about taking my temperature. My thermometer is taking a break and so are my nerves. My doctor told me to use ovulation predictor kits and I haven't had the energy to do it... I am essentially using the medical assistance of ultrasound, hormone replacement and insemination this month. I want to cruise along as naturally as I can to be as stress free as I can.

I have been seriously thinking about how much longer I can go through this and I am thinking that my journey of trying to conceive will end come December 31st. I just can’t put myself through the pain and agony anymore. If it happens it will happen. I have 4 months left and in the realm of things, it is nothing by comparison to what we have been through. I think creating a light at the end of my proverbial tunnel has created some solitude to myself. I will continue to write on this site here so there are no worries there.

I will post more on Wednesday after my insemination. Please keep us in your prayers as it is much appreciated!

CD11

2006-08-03T21:18:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the eve that I will be going to the doctor to see how I have been responding to my Clomid.

This cycle I have been rather "lazy". I haven't taken my temperature at all this cycle. I haven't looked at any pregnancy related calculators either.

I have finally taking antibiotics for the last 10 days so it's nice to be rid of the the extra 4 pills a day!

Stay tuned for more tomorrow!

I cry, again...

2006-07-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

My vicious cycle is starting, yet again... This doesn't get any easier. The days, weeks, months, years that pass rip through me like a tidal wave washing away all of my emotions rendering me numb. Just when I think that we caught an emotional and spiritual miracle my wings are clipped and I quickly hit the ground with no parachute. I rub my abdomen thinking sorry baby... it just wasn't the right time. Here I would have been honored with the timing as your due date would have been a very important day to me, April 1st. But I can't plan the future. I only hold my (our) destiny in today.

I have begun to question my faith... Are my prayers not good enough? I have sinned just like the next person. I have repented for those sins and have been forgiven, or at least so I think I have been. Not being able to conceive again has really given me every sense of the word doubt. With each and every passing cycle, I feel like I am dying a slow and painful death of suffering.

I feel terrible that my daughter at this point will be the only sibling in our small little family. I knew that I didn't want a small family. I want her to have a support group with other siblings. One day her father and I will be old and eventually pass on to the heavens or hells of this earth. I do not want her to be alone. I want her to have other arms to embrace. I do not want her to be the only one to decide to pull the plug on life support or what casket we should be buried in. I don't want her to pack away her childhood memories when our house is empty. To me it'd just be cruel... I scream to my body saying why don't you work the way you are supposed to?!

I may just need to suck it up that I will never again be able to appreciate the morning sickness, swollen ankles, and countless hours of labor ever again. I miss being pregnant so bad. I regret never taking a picture of myself while pregnant with my daughter as I was too worried that I looked like a beached whale. I was ashamed of my appearance; unappreciative of what I was carrying in my uterus. I took for granted with every sense of the word that I held a child. That I could carry her to full term. That I didn't have problems. And now I feel as if I will never have the glow again.... I read my pregnancy journal I had with my daughter and I regret I didn't keep the book more up to date and never made the time to write my emotional and physical experiences. I just look back on those glorious nine months and I kick myself in my own preverbal ass for taking everything for granted. And now that I am literally on my hands and knees or back begging to have this all happen to me again I am paying the ultimate price... Rubbing an empty uterus, crying myself to sleep and praying that I too may be granted another miracle.

I have begun to wonder what I did so badly to deserve this pain and agony...

Waiting...

2006-07-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

Well today I sit and wait, like I have for the last 13 days. I wait to know if you truly do exist in my uterus, your home for the next nine months. I have less than one week to know if my patience has paid off or if this like most other cycles has been a bust, again. I have been feeling like I am pregnant, but I don't really want to give into those feelings as I have been injected 4 times in the last two weeks with a pregnancy hormone. So, I will just be patient and wait. The patience part is the hardest thing to do. I don't have much patience. A few friends have asked why don't I "just" take a pregnancy test, but the honest answer is there, that I can not accept a negative in that form anymore. I'd rather find out the natural way. It is much easier for me to accept.

I have been over analyzing everything from sore breasts to cramps. But I can't help it. I just want you to be here so bad that it is driving me almost insane. I often wonder how much longer I can hold out for you, but I don't want to give up on you or us. I dream of how our family will adjust to another child. I know our house will be bursting at the seams with more baby stuff. And oh the toys! Can't forget about those. Learning to trip over toys again would be a welcomed pain.

For the past five years I have saved everything that your big sister had in the event you would be a girl. But who knows if you two would be on the same "season" of birth. I have lost closet space in two closets and now I am onto a third. I tend to wonder, what if you would be wearing blue instead of pink? I'd have a lot of clothes to give away to charity.

If we are paired up for nine months, I don't have any idea how I would tell your daddy. I would want a very special way to tell him as mommy blurted it out on the phone the last time. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again. That I would try to maintain composure and tell him in a calm manner. I have often thought about getting pregnant over the holidays with ideas to tell our family we were expecting, but there is not a holiday for awhile. So I will have to be creative and think of something. I'd love to brainstorm here, but dad reads our site here and the cat would be out of the bag.

So I am headed to bed, hoping that soon I will know my destiny about this very hopeful cycle. I hope that my pleas can be heard from above and that God will send me another angel. All I can do is pray... Pray for a miracle.

Do not go gently into the good night - E. Dickinson

2006-07-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

Today is day 4 post-op. I've been thinking long and hard about what to say and how to say it. I went in for a relatively routine procedure and could have lost everything. Here's my story..

Tuesday July 18. We arrive at the surgery center at 6:40 am as instructed. I am immediately taken into the "recovery area" where they take all of my vitals and information, verify what procedures that I am having then send me off to "empty my bladder" and change into one of those really ugly surgical gowns. I emerge from the restroom and see my husband sitting there. He smiles at me, a nervous smile, but still a beautiful smile. We talk to for a little bit while the nurses are hooking IV's into me, he holds my hand and tells me how much he loves me and thanks me for going through this to increase our already slim chances of conceiving naturally. A few minutes later, I ask to see my mom. Because, well, she's my mom and always knows the right things to say. I know that she can see the nervousness in my eyes and she leans down next to me and whispers that this is for the best and for the future baby I will one day bear. Time is up and it is time to be wheeled into the Operating Room.

I get into the Operating Room and the first thing I see is all of the shiny pointy objects ready to invade my body. I begin cracking jokes like I'm Chris Rock on stage at the Apollo. I scooch over to the operating table and the Anethesiologist inserts a relaxant and "the drugs" into my right arm.

Problem 1: The IV was hooked up in probably the smallest vein in my right arm and the doctor does not understand why she didn't hook it into my hand since my veins were perfect. The needle shoots out and the drugs infiltrate my arm and miss the vein entirely. All drugs end up under the skin and have no effect on me.

They move the IV from the right side to the left. The Anethesiologist inserts the IV into my left hand an I immediately begin to feel to effects... too fast.

Problem 2: My air supply gets cut off. I try telling them that I cannot breathe and point to my throat. They begin telling me to calm down and relax. My body starts shaking and going into what I like to define as a series of seizures. I rip the IV out of my hand. I remember the nurse running to the intercom yelling something over the speaker and about 30 people running into the room. I hear the Anethesiologist yell "Oh Shit!" and throw a gas mask on my face. My Last thought: I can't believe this is going to be my last memory on Earth.

Obviously, I am alive if I am writing this blog. I awake from Surgery and try to get the quadruple images out of my head. I see doctors and nurses standing around me asking how I feel. I feel fine I guess. Suddenly, the Anethesiologist makes his appearance and asks how I am. I apologize for the incident that happened in the Operating Room. He looks at me and says "What are you talking about?" I sit back for a moment and relive the entire situation and he walks away. My husband comes in and I tell him what happened. As I do with my mom and mother-in-law who are all there with me.

My family thought it might have just been a panic attack but I knew differently. After the morphine that they doped me up on and other drugs wear off, I am able to tell the full story. After that, no one believes that I was suffering from a panic attack. My mom notices that my face is about 3 times it's normal size. She calls the doctor but they are closed, she proceeds to leave a message. The next day we get a call back from the doctor's office, they say not to worry. Meanwhile, my throat is in a lot of pain. Not even an hour after the doctor's office calls, the Anethesiologist calls to check on me. WHAT?!? They NEVER call. I didn't say anything to him because I wanted to talk to my doctor on Monday when I go back or my post-op appointment. I found out later from my family that they never even told them that anything went wrong.

I'm not nuts. I vividly remember the entire thing until the "Oh Shit!" comment. I haven't yet been able to sleep without thinking or dreaming about it. I told my family last night that the experience really messed me up. I only thank God, that I'm OK.

t minus 2 days and counting

2006-07-16T20:45:00.000-05:00

My emotions have been up and down these last few weeks. Tuesday is coming fast. I'm nervous yet excited at the same time. I'm happy that I am going to be able to spend a week away from work. I know how awful that must sound. But, work has been stressing me out tremendously these last few months. This has not been good for me, physically or emotionally. My husband and I are staying at my mom's for the week. My husband is staying with me, but my mom will be there at night to help me out. I'm so thankful that I have both of them. They have both been fantastic through this whole ordeal.

I didn't get AF this month. But, then again, it was my first time off the pill in a long while. At my pre-op appointment the nurse seemed very concerned that I hadn't had AF. I told her not to worry, I was 100% sure I was not pregnant. She asked how and I told her that my husband and I have not had sex since my last AF. Too painful as of late.

Some one please remind me to switch my insurance as soon as humanly possible. We just had to shell out a small fortune for this surgery and they aren't even considering it to be for Fertility reasons which is nice, because it would not have been covered at all. Our insurance sucks.

So, I know this post doesn't make any sense, but my mind is in a thousand different pieces right now. Wish me luck. I'll post in about a week. Thanks for your prayers in advance! :)

IUI Day

2006-07-10T12:48:00.000-05:00

Today I had another insemination. It was our 10th to be exact. It was our 10th insemination in the last 18 months.

I took the day off of work knowing that I would want to rest after our procedure. I am resting on my couch as I write this with my legs propped up. This morning I woke up and got ready to leave. I got my daughter ready and whisked her out of the house. I drop her off at her grandmother's house.

I get to the Clinic and pick up my hubby. We head out of the parking lot to go to breakfast together. We decide to go to Bob Evans. As we pull into the parking lot it begins to pour. We eat breakfast and talk about our upcoming procedure. My hubby then tells me after breakfast he is going to head home. He can't hold out until after my procedure after working all night. I understand as he looks exhausted. We eat our breakfast and head back to the Clinic.

I drop him off at his truck and I proceed into the building to the Fertility Suite. I check in and wait a few minutes. I am called back and go to the insemination room. I empty my bladder, undress from the waist down, then cover back up with the napkin of a blanket the provide to you. The medical assistant comes back into the room and shows me the paperwork from my hubby's "collection". I have to verify his name, social security number, and date of birth. I am then told he had a 5 million sperm count which is half of what it was last month, and out of that 5 million, 81% are forward moving!! That is great news! I happily sign off of the paperwork.

I then prepare myself for the insemination put my feet in the stir-ups and scoot down. I remind the medical assistant again the my cervix is very difficult. And she remembered from last month. She noted my chart about it along with the size of the speculum used. Thankfully. I didn't want to have to go through the entire drawer like Goldilocks going from small to big. My cervix as usual was uncooperative. My cervix today was faced towards the floor. So I felt like a gymnist working with the medical assistant. She asked me to put my knees to my chest and I felt a literal "pop". It was finally in place. After a few minutes the medical assistant was able to get the catheder into my cervical canal and place in all 5 million sperm. I have 5 follicles that are ready to go. So it looks like 5 is my lucky number!

Once we were done with the actual insemination the medical insemination propped up my table to promote the swimmers to go where they are supposed to go. She turned out the lights and told me I could leave in 10-15 minutes and closes the door.

I lay there looking up at the ceiling... I start counting the holes in the ceiling tile, the squares in the light cover and looking at my watch. I then get this sudden feeling over me. I begin to cry... I place my left hand on my lower abdomen and begin to rub it. I start to pray and talk to my future baby... I just have a feeling that this could be it. That this could really be the "one". Granted I have had this feeling before, but this time is much, much different. I have to give myself three more shots this cycle of supplemental HCG.

So we are again, in the two week wait. All we can do though is wait and see. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.

You are my sunshine...

2006-06-26T23:06:00.000-05:00

Phases...

2006-06-24T20:49:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned this the other day... I have yet again, another unsuccessful cycle...

I started bleeding four days ago... I had a 25 day cycle. Normally they are 30 days, so it perplexed me why things were happening so soon. I guess living with PCOS means nothing is normal. That night we went to the movies. We saw The DaVinci Code. It was a great movie and I really enjoyed it. Although at the end I had some feelings of self doubt.

On our way home I drove down the unlit bridge to our house. There were some thunderstorms with a lot of thunder and lighting. The lightening was amazing and I tend to think a lot when it rains. It brings back many good childhood memories.

While I am driving home I begin to cry uncontrollably. I am at the point where I can barely breathe and am in hysterics. I can't believe I am actually admitting it at this moment. My husband looks at me and asks me what is wrong? At first I do not want to talk about it as I was a blubbering mess and would most likely make no sense at all.

I give in and start to spew my feelings out to him... I begin to tell him we are tempting fate... I don't know how much longer I can go on with all of 'this'. I then recoil and say but I know nothing else. We have been doing 'this' for three excruciating years. What would I do with myself if I didn't have to take my temperature, suppositories, shots, pills, vaginal ultrasounds?? Oh yeah, life would revert to how it is supposed to be, normal. But all of 'this' is my current normal. I have had it stuck in my mind that I was going to "give up" when my daughter turns 5. That is in 3 days. I was hoping to tell her she was going to be a big sister on her birthday, but again... I can't. I now am saying before she is six. Which means I have until October of this year... Her father missed out the good news on his birthday, now her.

I tell him that I have gone through three phases in our journey of trying to conceive...

Phase I - My selfishness... Everything revolved around me, me, me. I wanted a baby. He was literally along for the ride.

Phase II - My daughter... I wanted, and still want, her to be a big sister. She longs for a sibling. For 9 months she asked me daily about being a big sister. It kills me. It kills me to know that quite possibly she will be an only child.

Phase III - My husband... When we went through our Pre Cana before our wedding we had written discussions between one another. He wrote that he wanted a family of four children. I told him when I had our daughter that two would be it as I had a long and painful labor. Ever since we were told our first is a miracle and we have secondary infertility I would like 3 children. I guess its human nature to want more of what you can't have. I want to give him that happiness that he had with our daughter. I want him to actually experience my pregnancy this time around.

I begin to ask myself is God is screwing with me? Is he screwing with us? There has got to be a test somewhere in here. Am I passing or failing? Are we following the right clues? Medically everything is fine with me. All of my parts are functioning properly, with the help of medicine. I long for the day I don't have to take anymore hormones. My hair falls out as a result... Not in clumps but enough to look like I am shedding like an animal. My husband checks out just fine... So why isn't it happening? Why can't one out of 10 million sperm figure out that they are to attack my egg and implant it?!

I then begin to tell him that I am jealous of the way he treats our niece. She's 8 months old. I watched the birth of her and am her godmother and love her dearly. He treats her differently than our own daughter. And it bothers me to no end. I am jealous of him cooing over her. His smile is so big when he sees her and she does the same thing back. I think to myself that this should be us. He should be fawning over our child. I then proceed to tell him I see it oozing out of him that I believe he feels awful we don't have anymore children. I feel guilt, nothing but guilt and take full responsibility for us not having more children. I feel lesser of a woman because of it. I blame myself day in and day out because we aren't pregnant... Some days I tell him, most days I don't. I actually told him he can leave me to be with a woman to give him more children that I can't. I wouldn't blame him... I don't want to take away his dreams of a family. He is a great father and will go through and has gone through great lengths to be a great husband and father to the both of us.

It's been a long time...

2006-06-24T07:58:00.000-05:00

It's been a really rough few months. I've been laying low. Sleeping a lot to try and escape the pain I've been feeling. You see, I've been feeling this dull aching pain in my pelvic area for about 9 years. Yes, 9 years. When my cycle came it would always escalate, and I was used to that. With all of the issues that my reproductive friends down there have, I just knew it was how I always felt and became used to it. I'd go to doctors about it and I was always given the brush off by them. You're overweight, you're too young, yadda yadda. I heard the same thing over and over. Finally, I found a doctor who believed me. But, you see, I never really mentioned the whole pain thing because I never saw him during that time of the month. I was always used to it every other day.

Well, these last few months, have been awful. Finally, I was in so much pain I went to my doctor after threatening to rip out my baby maker myself. My mother talked me down from the experience and I made an appointment with Dr. T. Exams are the worst thing I've ever had to endure my entire life. Because of my first one, I've been petrified of them ever since. This one was no different. Tears streaming down my face, Dr. T. Scheduled a Saline Infusion Sonogram a couple days later for me. I had to tell him that intercourse with my husband has become so painful I kept pushing him away. I had to tell him that sitting down for long periods of time was unbearably uncomfortable and it took me hours to fall asleep at night.

So, Monday rolls around and my husband goes with me even though they told me that I wouldn't need someone to drive me home. Well, knowing my body, I knew that would not be the case. It happened to be the most painful procedure I have had done in recent years. Mild cramping my ass! Well, Dr. T. Knew it once he saw the grapefruit sized fibroid tumor in my uterus. He also found about 7 more not as big, but explained that this is part of what was causing my intense pain. Then SURGERY comes out of his mouth. I never expected to need surgery. I just thought that he was going to tell me that he found some more ovarian cysts and that was my problem and always had been.

After this information, I began to go through all the scenarios that we might discuss at my follow-up appointment a few days later. My husband has learned more about the reproductive organs than I think he ever anticipated. :) When we met with Dr. T, a few days later he went over everything he was going to do to me...

1. Laparoscopy
2. Hysteroscopy
3. Polypectomy
4. Ovarian Drilling
5. D&C

Please read at your own interest. But, after speaking with Dr. T. he really eased my mind on everything. Even said that this will increase our chances of getting pregnant naturally. I will take that for what it is worth and leave the rest up to prayer. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday July 18. I'll be down for a couple weeks then hopefully be back to normal. Then, the hubby and I officially start to TTC.

Well...

2006-06-22T19:55:00.000-05:00

I started my period... So much for having any luck.

I will follow up shortly.

CD17 4dpiui

2006-06-13T18:47:00.000-05:00

Well I had my IUI 4 days ago. It went relatively well. I had company in from out of town, my best friend. Who is pregnant with her first child due in October. She has known of the struggles we have been going through for the past three years and has been very supportive of everything we have done.

I had asked her the day before she flew in if she would be willing to come to my IUI appointment with me, as my husband could not be there. In fact he's only been there for 1 procedure. She obliged and I kept the appointment planned.

It was the day of our appointment. My husband drove to the Clinic right after work and I met up with his sperm at 10:30AM. This was the second IUI I have had at this Clinic and both times have gone really well. We walked into the suite and I gave my name, I was called back right away and I asked if my girlfriend could come in the room. They said if you want her too... She was ok so therefore, I was ok. Heck, at this point, who hasn't been in-between my legs?!

I sit down on the table and the medical assistant comes in... She talks to me about the procedure asks how I am feeling and says she will be right back. She comes back in with the cup my husband donated to the Andrology Lab. I had to confirm his social security number and make sure everything was accurate. After I signed off on his specimen, we were ready to begin.

I lay back and tell the medical assistant that I need a long/wide speculum, as my cervix is very difficult. I also asked if she had to use the tenaculum if she could use lidocane. I am not a wimp and have a high tolerance for pain, but when it comes to pinching your cervix with something that looks like a jumbo pair of tweezers with a claw at the end made for Paul Bunyon, I reconsider succumbing to the pain. She said if she had to use the tenaculum that she could probably use the lidocane.

The medical assistant tried one speculum, but it was too "short". So she decided to try a different one. The actual one she wanted was in another exam room with a patient already in it. So we had to improvise. Turns out the only speculum they had in the room was long and really wide. My girlfriend said when she saw it she crossed her legs in fear. There I lay, a willing participant to it all. I know nothing about what is to be stuffed inside of me. Just call me Thanksgiving dinner... She begins to insert the mega-sized speculum, I feel a bit of discomfort, but carry on. My girlfriend is looking at me with this awkward face... And I am trying to hide the discomfort I am having. She can see it; she senses it. We have been friends for a very long time so, I give in. I make the face, the face of pain. She sees me and I could tell she wanted to say something, but she just couldn't find the words to say it. It was this unspoken support that meant the world to me. That she could be there to experience what I have been telling her about for all of this time. As we have this unspoken "conversation" with one another the medical assistant finally inserted the catheter holding 10 million motile sperm into my cervix. It stung, as usual. I cramped up, as usual. Internally I was saying a cheer to the soldiers hoping that they would attack my egg and one would implant in the days to come.

I was finally done. The medical assistant lifted the bottom of the table to raise my pelvis and I laid there for 10-15 min to help nature take its course. As I lay there waiting what normally feels like a lonely eternity, I talked with my girlfriend. She began to tell me that she gives both my husband and I a lot of credit for doing what we do. She said I can't believe that you travel this far and you endure so much for the chance of getting pregnant. She said I don't understand how you remain so confident and positive month in and month out. I told her it's not easy, but I have to hold out hope. I have hope and I have my faith and I cannot give up on either of them. Because without them I wouldn’t stand a chance.

The medical assistant came back into the room and advised me that I would need to follow up on my HCG shots. She said that I had to take a shot the following day, then every third day. In total I would be taking three shots. The first day of the follow up we were at a family function. I had to excuse myself to mix my medicine. As I was in the middle of mixing my medicine, some friends came in to say goodbye and I have a syringe in my hand. Kind of makes for an awkward situation... Thankfully they knew what we were going through so there weren’t any questions asked. After I was done mixing, I called in my husband to administer my HCG. I pulled down my pants, he swabbed my leg with an alcohol pad let it dry, then grabbed some skin and poked me. All the while, my girlfriend is sitting next to me at the table cringing in pain. Admittedly, the shots don't feel like a walk in the park, but at least its not blood being removed from my body. I can handle it. I am still sore from my shot. Tonight is another night that I will be doing it, then one more time. That's all I keep telling myself... One more time, only one more time...

2006-06-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

Taking a break..............

We talked about it. The nurse practioner suggested it before I could even bring it up. I know it's the right thing to do. Why do I suddenly feel so empty inside?

I'm coming off my first cycle with Clomid. I have read all the reports that you can't take Clomid for too long or it will start to actually make you even less fertile. I've seen the countless signatures of other ladies with PCOS who have been on round after round of Clomid with no results. The cold hard fact is that scares me. The insurance we currently have will not pay for anything that even comes close to sounding like it might be for infertility. As it is the stuff they do pay for they only pay 70%. Which has left us currently with over $1,000 in medical bills to pay off.

I am a stay at home mom and he works a full-time job and a part-time job. We don't have much money. He's looking for something better and I am looking to make more money from working at home. So needless to say our insurance won't cover and we cannot afford any infertility treatments. Clomid without monitoring was all we could afford to do. Not even O'ing on my first cycle has freaked me out. That's what got me started thinking about trying birth control for a few months.

I had heard of some Docs putting women on bcps to help them get pregnant. It's thought by some that it helps to balance out your homormones and your first few cycles off birth control you might become pregnant easier.

So I decided to give it a shot. Go on bcp for a few months and lose some more weight. Of course weight often comes up when you are a woman with PCOS. Most of us are overweight women although there are thin cysters as well. I got pregnant with Savannah weighing between 215 and 220. So 215 is the weight I am shooting for between now and October. That would give me 4 months on bcp and a loss of 47 lbs. Then I plan to be pushy and ask to go back on Clomid right away.

Ok so I decided all of this and felt good about it. I went to see the nurse practioner. They never let me see my ObGyn anymore. All the Docs are always too busy to see me. So I am adding finding a better ObGyn practice to my list of things to do.

Anyway so I go and see her. My concerns were the constant coming and going of pelvic cramping I have been complaining about for 3 years now and the really fun addition of pain and cramping in my left ovary. I thought perhaps endometriosis might be the cause. She did an exam and told me it was all normal, it was probably just my hormones. She seemed very disapproving about me TTC and said I should be on birth control. That it would "calm everything down." She seemed even further disappointed that I had not lost any weight between the end of February and now.

Basically I felt she was implying that I was suffering because I was TTC and not being a "good girl" by going on birth control and losing weight. Which by the way she never suggested in our earlier visits when she diagnosed me with PCOS and referred me to an Endocrinologist. She knew then I was TTC and said that seeing the Endo would probably help me to become pregnant.

So of course I agreed to the birth control. She said she needs to see me again after I have been on the pills for about 4 months. She said I needed to be on birth control for at least 6 months. My plan however like I said before is to stay on them for 4 months, lose some weight and go back off them. I also am not currently planning to go back and see her. Either I am going to insist that I see my regular ObGyn or I am going to a new practice.

Ok so why does a part of me feel so bad now? Why is there a little voice inside me that says I really hoped she'd tell me going on bcp wasn't necessary. That she'd help me get pregnant........

I dunno. What I do know is I now have 2 free packs of Ovcon 35 and a prescription for an additional 2 months. I am back on Prometrium and as soon as my period starts I will also be starting the birth control. Starting that makes taking a break official.

Maybe it will be nice not to have to temp every morning, worry about my fertility signs or lack of fertility signs. To baby dance whenever we want instead of telling my Dh he has to wait because we just baby danced the night before. The lack of wondering if this month was the month or the crushing disappointment of another negative ovulation or pregnancy test.

Ok so we're taking a break..................

Like a rock...

2006-05-31T18:51:00.000-05:00

I often wonder what my dear husband thinks of during the process of us trying to concieve another child. I wonder what feelings go through his mind. Does he have heart ache? Does he get the emotional mood swings? Does he feel inadequate? Does he want this as much as I do? Does he cry? Even on the inside? In the back of my mind these very questions loom over me. In a sense he's almost trained to be a robot, by profession. To show no emotion... At times I think the uniform he wears during the day isn't totally removed when he comes home to us. I just wish that he'd breakdown and tell me!!

I can never repay him for the emotional rock he has been for me. He has helped me through my ultimate highs and lows. Through a surgery to remove adhesions and cysts from my ovaries, through other diagnostic testing called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and various other tests. He has been there to hold my fraile emotions together and to encourage me to keep on going. When I want to just give up he reminds me, we are in this together. The one way I want to pay him back is with the enlighting two lines on a pregnancy test.

For his upcoming birthday I wanted to buy him a card and sign it love baby... I thought it would be a good gift for him. I have had other ideas too as to how I would tell him, our daughter and our families.

Mr. TwoWeekWait, all I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart. For being there to wipe away my tears and to literally lift my mind, body, and soul from the some of lowest emotional moments I have ever experienced in my life. One day, I will be carrying your baby inside of me again. Then our family will most likely be complete unless we decide that the third time would be a charm. Thank you.

To be continued...

To my unborn...

2006-05-26T16:50:00.001-05:00

CD21 - 5dpiui

2006-05-19T16:00:00.000-05:00

Last night and today have been very hard. I have been super tired. It's been moreso than the ususal. I passed out in bed by 10PM last night which seldom happens. I could have given in at 9PM, but held out like a "big girl".

I have been having some slight cramping on my left side. So who knows what it means??

I am going at this cycle very cautiously optimistic. I appreciate your prayers in advance.

CD 16 - IUI

2006-05-14T12:13:00.000-05:00

Well today is Mother's Day... I woke up and prepared to go to the doctor after a rough night. I could hardly sleep as the anxiety of having another IUI loomed over me. Would it be painful? Will it work? Can the dreams I have been having ever come true? Will my cervix cooperate? Will they have to use a tenaculum?

I take a shower and wash all of my what-ifs away down the drain. I get ready to leave and drop off my daughter at her Aunt and Uncles and I make the near hour trip to the doctor's office.

My husband calls me on his way home after leaving his specimen. He said that I have an hour to get there so take my time and try to relax. I knew that his experience had to be better than the prior experiences he has had. At the Clinic there are two private rooms with beds and a private bathroom and reading material with pictures to aid in the process. My poor husband has had to collect in very sterile exam rooms with nothing but diagrams to excite him or in a bathroom stall with another man in the stall next to him having the "runs". So I asked him how it went? And he replies in the cup. I then said did everything come out ok? And he just laughed. It seemed like he was more relaxed which is very helpful.

I get to the Clinic and arrive to the Fertility Suite and I check in. I am called back and the girl asks if I need to empty my bladder? Up until that point I did not have to, but then the urge hit me. So I said ok. Normally when I have IUI's I get terribly gassy with my nervousness. So I knew that I had to but couldn't. I get back into my room and the urge is there. So I give into it... I am praying at this point that the doctor doesn't come into the room and passes out. I take two magazines and start fanning as fast as I can. All is good on the homefront. Now I am sitting on the table naked from the waist down waiting and waiting and waiting some more. Urge comes again, but at this point I hold back as I know I have been in there for awhile and knowingly if I did he'd walk right in. And I was right! He came in seconds later.

The doctor walked in my room with scrubs on... He comes up to me with my chart and asks that I verify the specimen information my hubby left earlier. He told me his count after the "wash" and we had 11 million sperm!!! I have a one in eleven million chance of getting pregnant by his sperm and a one in four chance with my eggs. Odds seem to be in our favor. I sign the paper and we proceed with the procedure.

Within mintues this guy whom I have never met had his head inbetween my legs... It was kind of awkward in the sense that things like that normally do not happen. I mean I don't think he shook my hand! But anyways... He begins to put the speculum in and it's too short, as usual. He has to put the big one in as my cervix is "long". I then ask him if he has to use the tenaculum if he could put lidocane on the area as it hurts like holy hell. He said normally we do not have to use them, and with it being a Sunday I would have a hard time getting the meds that are locked up. I prayed. He then said to me I think you jinxed yourself about needing the tenaculum... Here I am thinking oh great. Just then he said do you feel that? I said yes. I felt a stinging sensation. The doctor said that we are all done. Here I am thinking to myself this has been the easiest IUI I have ever had! It was virtually painless. I am very thankful.

Doc told me to lay there for 10 minutes and when my time was up I could get dressed and leave. I asked if I would have to be on pelvic rest and he said absolutley not! AMEN! I can still have sex! I'd go nuts going without for two weeks. He said we promote intercourse! And for good measure do it again tonight! Whoo-hoo!

It's now a few hours after my insemination and I am a bit sore but feeling optimistic.

Sleep Well CancerBaby

2006-05-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

I was doing a websearch today on infertility blogs and I came across this one in particular from The Infertile Gourmet. CancerBaby (her picture from her profile is the one featured in this post) is/was 33 years old and succumbed to ovarian cancer on May 12th... Her dream was to become a mother and now she has become an angel.

Please drop by and read her uplifting stories and celebrate her life... You will not regret it!

Happy Mothers Day!

2006-05-13T09:48:00.000-05:00

I wanted to post something special for "us"... This is a very beautiful poem... Enjoy and may we all become Mother's...

Empty Arms

In my empty arms I hold a dream....
A dream that would make my life complete
In my empty arms I hold patience....
Patiently waiting to fulfill my dream
In my empty arms I hold frustration....
Frustrated nothing will work for me
In my empty arms I hold grief....
Grieving for something I never had
In my empty arms I hold pain....
A pain only few can understand
In my empty arms I hold disappointment....
Disappointed they said it would never be
In my empty arms I hold a blanket....
Still waiting for God to send that angel to me
In my empty arms I hold on to faith....
Faith is the only thing bringing me hope
So I can still hold my dream....

Patti Law, PLaw274105@aol.com, 10/97

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens

These arms of mine are still empty,
It's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden,
The heartache and the tears.

I am waiting for you, sweet angel
To bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife,
Now I want so much a mother's role.

My life doesn't seem complete.
You are not there to hold.
I big piece of my life is missing,
Your destiny is yet untold.

I see you in my dreams, baby.
Ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's blue eyes,
And your daddy's ears and nose.

When my eyes are closed I think,
Will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass
Before all my dreams come true?

Will I ever know the joy
Of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories
And tucking you in tight?

Will I ever be able to comfort you
When you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better
At the tender age of three?

Can I watch you graduate
And drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing
And teach you to play ball.

Will you make me a gradma
When I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life,
I would be blessed in every way.

So why have I been left behind
When I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world
If you could only come to live.

Will my turn ever come?
I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers
Is all I seem to find.

I go home every night
And fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening
In my big empty nest.

I guess God has a plan for me
And I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life
He hasn't made quite clear.

I pray for you llittle one.
Everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready
To hold you forever dear.

You would never go without.
We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven
Sent from up above.

2006-05-11T08:16:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! I'm the new girl and this is my very first post! I thought I'd start out by giving you a little background info on me.

My name is Stacie and I am 27 years old (28 in June). I live near St. Louis, Missouri with my husband and 5 year old daughter. We've been married a year on Mother's Day. We've also been trying for a baby since March 2005.

I was diagnosed with PCOS this past February. I don't have any cysts on my ovaries but I am insulin resistant and had high testosterone levels. I also have hypothyroidism which is now under control with medication. I take 1500 MG of Metformin each day and Synthroid for my thryroid.

Ok so enough about me and on to my post!!! LOL

I hate the two week wait! I don't mean this blog lol. I mean the actual 2 week wait to find out if you are preggy or not. Every single new thing my body does during this time is either a possible pregnancy symptom or proof that I am not and about to get my period any moment. Now which way I go usually depends on my mood lol.

I really try to relax and not analyze every little thing but it's so hard to do!

Ok for example, my boobs have been sore for 12 days straight now. They are driving me crazy! The worst part is that the only other time this ever happened to me in my life was when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Since I knew nothing about tracking my cycles back then I have no idea what cycle day it started, how many days past ovulation or anything.

Oh I am soooo trying not to read too much into this! When I was pregnant with Savannah sore boobs was my only symptom. It's how I knew I might be PG because the sore boobs never went away and my period never came. I have read there are other women who have sore boobs from the day they O until the day AF starts. So I don't know what to think.

All I know is the 2 week wait drives me crazy!!!

CD 12

2006-05-10T21:44:00.000-05:00

Today I went to see my RE. Everything went very well and I am looking forward to this next cycle.

My Clomid Challenge Test was good. I shouldn't have problems with egg production. This month I have been on Clomid and will be doing an IUI on Sunday, Mother's Day. Doing this insemination on Mother's Day means a lot to me. The significance is beyond words.

I am developing cysts on each ovary, which is good. I go back to the doctor on Friday morning for another u/s and a HSG shot. This will be my first controlled substance that I have taken besides Clomid since starting our journey. I am happy the nurse will be giving this to me rather than me or my hubby doing it.

Please say a prayer as I'd love to become a mommy of two on Mother's Day.

CD 9

2006-05-07T10:02:00.000-05:00

Today is CD 9 for me... Meaning AF showed up... How flipping unlucky am I? Very. I forgot to take my temps the last two days of my cycle, but I was also spotting brown for those last two days which I thought could have been a good thing. Bad thing is I am sick, which I hate! I hate succumbing to illnesses. But we all have to deal with it!

Tomorrow I go to the doctor for more labwork, oh joy! I am finally doing the Clomid Challenge Test! Best thing is I don't have to study!

My doctor and I have been in correspondence via e-mail frequently which is nice. She wants to see me this week to discuss my lab results and a plan of action. Hopefully we will be doing another insemination this month otherwise we will just do it the normal way, which is fine by me. It feels much, much better!!!!

So please, pretty please pray for us so I can make my daughter a big sister before she's 18!

CD23 7dpo

2006-04-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

Well this is the first time I have actually taken a look at my chart this month to see how my temps are doing... Twenty-three days into this mess and it's looking pretty darn good!! I am going almost triphasic so it seems!

Normally I don't heed the advice from others, but tell me what you think!

Legend:
CM- Cervical Mucus
BD- Baby Dance or SEX!

While I may be showing a bit of excitement... I am not. I am just happy I ovulated on my own! So cheers to a good month for me!

Good luck to all of you women trying to conceive!

Too expensive for my taste...

2006-04-17T19:04:00.000-05:00

I've been seeing a personal trainer for the last 6 months. My mom was kind enough to pay for it for me. The problem is, I'm out of funds from mommy dearest. I enjoy working with him and he has taught me a lot but as far as results, I haven't had the best success. You see, I can only go to him once every 2 weeks because of distance. So, I have made the painful decision to finish out my last two sessions.

I joined a gym, it was my birthday present to me! It's an all women's gym. This excites me because it is right on my way home from work. Oh! Did I mention it is 100 dollars less a month? See 130 bucks for 2 times a month.... very expensive. Don't get me wrong, it's sort of a selfish decision... I'd rather save the money to make upgrades to our home. I do however want to see if I can go see him every now and again just for the reassurance.

This news excites my doctor. It gives me the perfect opportunity to get the exercise that I need. I won't be able to share this with my husband, but I think he'd feel pretty out of place. :) I don't have the desire to go to the gym after I get home nor can I get my butt up out of bed at 5 am. So, right on the way home from work. Very cool...

Wish me luck!

Wishing and Hoping....

2006-04-16T08:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I think I O'd... I had a spike in my temperature which is neat, because I was told that I can't or don't ovulate on my own.

I haven't been obsessing about anything. If I forget to take my temperature a day, oh well... Life goes on!!

Out of curiousity I checked a pregnancy calendar to see if we were pregnant when we would be due? We would be due on our eight year wedding anniversary (January 5th), but deliver on January 1st. Ok, so I am anal and would like to know how to plan life.... but I looked purely out of chance.

We are going on vacation shortly and I am looking forward to relaxing!

TWW

The first trip...

2006-04-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

Seriously... Is it really April 10th, 2006?
I would sure like to know where the time is going and who is in charge of it. I have a few complaints.

April 15th will mark my 6th year anniversary to my ever loved hubby. Not only does it mark that wonderful day its marks a huge page in my book that seems to be coming faster and faster each year.

You see, on April 3rd 2000 I went to see my OB/GYN in hopes of talking about family planning. Knowing my wedding was around the corner and that we had been active for about 9 months and nothing had happened I was curious as to why and if I could get pregnant. We wanted kids right away.
My GYN Laughed... Your only 18 he said. I didn't know age mattered so much if you had it together but apparently it did.
After much hesitation the Dr gave in and ran a battery of tests, I was told what I had already known. " You have PCOS " was a commonly heard thing in my life at that time and I wasnt happy about it. What did it mean and what was I to do?
His remedy for us was to simply try a year and see what happens... LMAO Simply? Who's idea was that? Nothing came simple.

From that day on we had no idea of what highway to take and which exits we would be needing... That was our first trip in our journey of TTC #1

Join me next time for the fast lane to the next stop
Until then - Happy Healthy Thoughts!

Destin

Open enrollment...

2006-04-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

If you are going through infertility treatments, please contact me on the link below or at twoweekwait@gmail.com for a contributor space here. We'd love more members...

Thank you.

"Mommy I want to be a big sister"

2006-04-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

Some of you readers may be a little confused as to why I am trying so hard to have a second child... What's "wrong" with my first child you may ask? The answer is nothing. My daughter is the most amazing being... She makes me laugh smile countless times a day and I love her and I love everything about her. Until we started having fertility problems, admittedly I took advantage of the fact that I could bear children. I thought I could "spit" them out like it was my job. I took her for granted and that has been one of the biggest lessons learned as a parent. Enjoy and appreciate your children.

I am so diligent because I would love to have a larger family. I want my daughter to have a sibling(s). She asks me daily for a brother and/or a sister. It goes right through me because I just can't explain to her why she isn't blessed with more family.

There will be a day when I do give up as I can't keep going on like this. It is very difficult and very expensive and funds are depleting just as fast as we are saving them up.

It's just not like me to give up without a difficult fight... So until I am to my breaking point... We just try, try again...

Low Glycemic Index Diet

2006-04-04T17:53:00.000-05:00

I had a heart to heart with my doctor several months ago when I went in for my annual exam. I actually see my doctor every few months to check progress and further testing. We discussed my acquiring the services of a Nutritionist, but this isn't the most feasible thing for me to do. The cost would be too much for our budget. I walked out of his office with about 40 pounds of pamphlets on different things I could try. The best option given to me was a Low Glycemic Index (GI) Diet.

For those of you who are not familiar with a Low GI Diet, it combines lean protein with low glycemic carbs to help stabilize blood-sugar and reduce hunger. While the GI Diet is intended mainly for people with Diabetes it is also recommended for people with obesity, insulin resistance, PCOS, hypothyroidism or unstable blood sugar levels.

Using the following charts will help you create your own diet geared towards a healthier lifestyle. Here is the glycemic index for some everyday foods. They're arranged from low to high, with the actual GI Value shown at the right of the food.

Finding the GI spot! - information courtesy of Weight Loss Resources
Foods only appear on the GI index if they contain carbohydrate. This explains why you won't find foods like fresh meat, chicken, fish, eggs and cheese in GI lists. However, you may find some processed foods like sausages or chicken nuggets in a GI list because they contain flour!

Low Glycemic Index foods (55 or less)
Include some of these foods in each meal or snack, but go for low-fat choices where possible, such as skimmed milk. If you want to lose weight, you'll also need to watch your portion sizes. That means sticking to small servings of pasta and noodles, limiting yourself to two slices of bread with a meal, and having only a couple of squares of chocolate or a small handful of peanuts! (click on the photo to enlarge)

Medium Glycemic Index foods (56 to 69)
You may include a few of these foods each day, but again limit portion sizes if you want to lose weight. (click on the photo to enlarge)

High Glycemic Index foods (70 or more)
Swap these foods for those with a low GI value or eat them together with a low GI food. Having a jacket potato with baked beans, for example, will lower the GI value of that whole meal.
(click on the photo to enlarge)

There are a ton of internet websites that will assist you in creating the GI Diet that is perfect for you. If you have any questions, please feel free to let me know....

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

CD 4

2006-04-03T12:05:00.000-05:00

Well today I had my ultrasound... I have three big follicles on my right ovary. I consulted with one of the nurses and she told me she'd call me back after lunch with my lab results and what the doctor wanted to do.

Around 2PM I get a phone call saying that I will not be going on Clomid this cycle... I need a rest for my follicles. I need a rest cycle for my sanity. I need a rest cycle for my marriage. While I am a bit upset about us not doing this cycle, I am happy I am having a long needed break!

It'd be so nice to have sex with my husband not thinking about catching that egg or I need to be in the missionary position to maximize my chances of getting pregnant. Maybe with me doing the "relaxing" thing like everyone tells me and taking it a moment at a time could be helpful to my mind, body and soul. To be a normal married couple... ahhh, what would that be like?? I will tell you in 30 days!

In the meantime, for this month, I will post about whatever comes to mind.

CD2

2006-04-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

Well another cycle has come and gone... It's sad, I'm sad.

It started on CD29 12DPO... DH and I went to BD in the morning and I noticed a spot on the bed... I immediatley got up and walked to the door crying. DH came to me trying to console me, but it was too late... He pointed out the spot had come from me. I was mortified... I get up and go take a shower all while crying.

My idea to take things easy this month failed me. I just seem like I am losing the battle to have another child.

I called my new doctor and have an ultrasound and labwork for the Clomid Challenge scheduled for Monday morning at 7AM... Wish me luck! Then I we will have another IUI this month. I am just elated that after this being my 16th cycle on Clomid since December 2004, I will be done with it FOREVER *crosses* fingers! After I hung up the phone, I called Dr. B's office... I just can't give up on him yet... After 2 years of seeing him monthly, I can't. I set up an appointment for my labwork on CD11 and an appointment to see him after CD 30. I will be seeing him knowing if I am pregnant or not as I will be on vacation when AF is to arrive.

So this month, I am getting my labwork drawn twice for my Clomid Challenge, once for my estrodial, and once for my progesterone, IUI then follow up appointments afterwards.

Wish us luck!

TWW

Destin...

2006-03-31T15:15:00.000-05:00

I'm destin,
And what I'm destin for is still beyond me.
Maybe together we will find out?!
A blog huh? So I guess ill give it a go.

I'm a 24 year old female who like the others here, was asked to join by my dearest friend twoweek.
My story is long I'll spare as many details as I can.
As I said I'm 24. I am happily married to my high school sweetie and am about to celebrate our 6th anniversary.
My husband and I have battled with Infertility since before our marriage in 2000 . We have fought hard and long as sooooo many of the others out here. I will share this in depth too- in time.

I have PCOS - I'm sure your well aware of the condition by now and if not I suggest googling it! there's a lot out there to be read.
I'm not here to talk about the Symptoms or the like I'm here to share my story. And my story only. I think we will find my story however, is a lot like yours!

I was diagnosed at the young age of 12. I had been menstrating since 10 - and never had a normal flow, or cycle. They said this was normal and wrote it off for a long while.
On my 12th birthday I was rushed from school to the ER by my mother and there it was in black and white on the ultrasound screen ... The horrible news no one wants to hear.
I had 4 large cyst burst that day and my ovaries were in danger. I had pco!
now at 12 you don't care- good I don't want a period anyways I thought.
Ha- had I known had I known!!

Looking back its been a helatious ride and I will take you down my road as time goes on here.
Its a road that's becoming more traveled by many women and its a sad thing to see.
Its hard, its cold its often scarey and not understood and definitely not well marked.

Get in and ride with me as I take you on my journey.
Ill share, with you, my curves the dead ends and the many hidden sights along the way!
( look out twoweek - you asked the wrong person ;) ) .

Till next trip...

Destin

Who's that girl?

2006-03-29T16:22:00.000-05:00

Hi there! I'm the Crazy Girl and this is my formal introduction. I was asked to be a contributor by Two Week Wait. I'd like to introduce myself and tell you my story. I'm a 26 almost 27 woman from the Lightning Capital of the World (Florida). I have been facing reproductive issues since I was 15, that is when I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cysts. I almost immediately began to gain weight though my active lifestyle and eating habits had not changed. I spent the next 6 years going from doctor to doctor trying to figure out why this was happening. They determined that I was not a diabetic nor did I have a thyroid issue. But, no one had answers. I was just told to cut out the soda (I'm sure a lot of you can understand the frustration of that answer).

I finally found an article about PCOS in a Women's Day Magazine. I was floored. Everything the article discussed was me. I immediately made an appointment with my GYN. Article in hand they decided to send me to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). I walked into this doctors office, he spent 2 hours with me and over the last couple years has helped me figure out exactly what my body is doing. I have been officially diagnosed with PCOS, Endometriosis, and Uterine problems.

Like Two Week Wait, I am a woman facing major infertility issues. There is one main difference between Two Week Wait and myself. While she is actively trying to conceive, I am not. I am actively trying to become healthy enough to conceive. My input here will consist of information regarding PCOS, Endometriosis and Adapting to a Healthy Lifestyle. Until my doctor and I feel that it is safe to begin conception, my husband and I will not walk down that road. We already know that he has strong swimmers, but I have several things waging war against my body. PCOS, Endometriosis and an interesting situation with my uterus, but that's a story for another day.

We would love to hear from you and get your input... Let us know!

CD17 10DPO

2006-03-28T20:35:00.000-05:00

I figured I'd update my post about my doctor's appointment with the RE. It went very well, much to my surprise. I am still overwhelmed with this guilt of going behind Dr. B's back, when I really shouldn't have it. I guess I feel so indebted to him for his compassion in trying to help us through this journey. It's a rare thing when you experience a connection with a doctor and unfortunatley, all of my connections with doctors are specialists. Dr. B will be on vacation/seminars for the next two weeks while being on call. I am just hoping with my medical release form that I won't piss him or his staff off.

I am going to do one more month of Clomid, thank dear god! This is my last month after about a year of being on it. I will be doing the Clomid Challenge and an IUI this month. My doctor seems rather hopeful which is promising. Thankfully she didn't say anything about my flab... I am hoping she realizes that I am trying to maintain weight loss and just am not having any luck.

She also wants me to get off of unecessary medications... YIPPEE!!

We may try gonadotropins which scares the holy hell out of me, but I am willing to try anything once. I don't know if my pocket book will like it, but it's worth a shot, literally.

She did an ultrasound right then and there and said my ovaries were HUGE. She wants me to call when AF comes for another one. She said she's there 7 days a week and they never close...

This is a good change, but still in the back of my mind... I feel like I have hurt Dr. B... These emotions are horrible!

TWW

Thank you...

2006-03-25T21:07:00.000-05:00

From the bottom of my emotional heart I wanted to say THANK YOU to Zoe for creating a masterpiece! This feels a lot more like home now.

CD19 3DPO

2006-03-21T17:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I finally got a call from my doctor... We talked for about 20 minutes which is like an office visit for free. Heck, after how long I waited I deserve it!

He consulted with a doctor from the Infertility Clinic that I may go to this Friday. The Infertility Clinic doctor, Dr. G, said that my current OB/GYN, Dr. B, has been doing exactly what he would do. Dr. B was very flattered that Dr. G said that as he is renowned for his Infertility treatments in our area and the US.

I have totally perplexed Dr. B as to why I can not conceive a second child on my own when I was able to do it naturally with my daughter. Heck, I am as perplexed as well. It's like I am beginning to hate my body because it's not doing what it is supposed to do. I mean you get women who conceive naturally and totally take it for granted, which I am guilty of. You have girls/young women who get pregnant and use abortion as a form of birth control. (Farthest I will go on this topic) You have girls/young women popping them out when they are living on government assistance with no stopping in sight... But here you have me, like many other women who are financially capable of caring for a child with food, clothes and a roof over it's head. I have two empty rooms waiting for my next unborn children. I am going to take baby steps and hope and pray that God will bless me with one more child. Then move on from there.

At this point with Dr. B he wants me to wait out this current cycle and call the office when AF comes again... I will be going on Clomid, yet again. I pray for the day I don't have to take those pills anymore. I am sick of my hair falling out and being so moody about everything! I flip at the drop of a hat... It's a wonder why any woman gets pregnant on that stuff! I have had to work very hard to not let the medicine control my moods. After being on it for a year, I would say I have been doing pretty, darn good!

We will add in one more blood test, making it a minimum of three lab draws a month. So on average, I will be having 3-5 lab draws a month. How exciting?! When I get older I am going to have to have labs drawn from my flipping feet to get a good vein. With this newest lab he's going to see if I am over stimulating to the medicine, and if I am I will have to take a 3 month break, which would kill me, but would be long overdue to bring my hormones back in check. Either that or take progesterone to calm it all down. It amazes me how certain meds make things "happen".

If that lab comes back ok or negative we will discuss doing ovarian drilling in May. While some may be stand offish about having surgery, I am not. I have to do what I have to do... I have been under the knife plenty of times so this would be nothing new to me. Here's a surgical video of ovarian drilling.

My doctor also wants me to work on my weight loss... Which is perfectly fine with me. I work out three days a week, eat healthy, but just have been stuck. He realizes that and I told him I have been due diligent about my efforts and he appreciates that. I may have to see an endocrinologist if things do not start going down, again.

::TWW::

CD 15

2006-03-17T12:53:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the doctor for my monthly lab work on CD 16 and 23 I go... then there may be one or two more times before or after these two days on a normal actively TTC cycle.

I have been waiting for a call from my OB/GYN for two weeks now and it's killing me as to what he found out from one of his associates. But alas, I wait as I have been for years. I just feel like I am such a big pain in the ass when I call the doctors office to schedule appointments for lab work, inseminations, or even ask questions. Yes, I know that it is their job and they are there to help me as a patient, but I just feel like I am overwhelming them. It's terrible that everyone in that office knows me and knows my voice on the phone. No matter how hard I try to disguise it, I can't!!! In a sense it's good that they know who I am and on the other end, I should be filling out employment documents with as much I am there. I am afraid that my doctor is going to fire me as a patient. You may say... a doctor can't fire you, but it has been done.

I sit in the waiting room for my name to be called and I get this sudden emotion over me. It's like a weight on my chest and I have this sudden urge to cry. Out of nowhere. The more and more I walk into the doctor's office with an empty uterus is so painful. I just want to be able to walk in one day and say, look we did it!! To be like a 6 year old coming home with a school project so proud to share it to their parents.

I am called back and asked the usual... what's your birth date? Even though they know, they still have to ask. But come'on! I then tell the Nurse Practitioner that the doctor still hasn't called me back and she was quite disappointed that he hasn't called. I respect the fact he is busy and works about 80-100 hours a week. But call me already!! I just wanna know! Then the nurse that drew my blood this morning said we can't find your file anywhere. The doctor must have your file in his briefcase, so he must be thinking of you. Well hot damn! It's about time! So hopefully today I will be getting a call... but I am not holding out with bated breath.

This month I am kind of relaxing as we are in the process of switching doctors and I need the mental break a bit... I am not doing the OPK's or timing intercourse or anything... Just going with the flow and letting what will be rest in the hands of the powers that be. This morning I find out that my hubby won't be home tonight as he will be pulling a double and BD'ing is out of the question with him... So for a moment I started freaking out going... Am I going to have to drive to his work for a quickie?? Gee, I wish! I will say that not being in stir-ups for the first time in months is a great feeling!!

*If there are any of you interested in contributing to this site, please drop me an e-mail and I'd be happy to add you. My intent with this site is to make it a place where you can spill your beans and share your lives with others.I am hoping to one day expand this site to more outlets for more exposure but am still trying to figure out the platform I want to do.

Eventually there will be a new layout that will make it a bit easier on the eyes...

*If there are any of you interested in contributing to this site, please drop me an e-mail and I'd be happy to add you. My intent with this site is to make it a place where you can spill your beans and share your lives with others.

I am hoping to one day expand this site to more outlets for more exposure but am still trying to figure out the platform I want to do.

Eventually there will be a new layout that will make it a bit easier on the eyes...

Infertility Etiquette

2006-03-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sited this page in April 2005 on SoulCysters... I felt it was worth repeating to the world.

Infertility Etiquette

By Vita Alligood (source)

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

3rd cycle on clomid

2006-03-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

Here we go again..... cycles 1 and 2 were picture perfect as far as BBT charts go, but both ended with BFN's and AF showing up moments later. Actually, cycle 2 looked soooo promising that I actually started to let myself believe I might.. just might be pg. I had a 14 day luteal phase and my usual is 10-12 days. I really thought my BFP was right around the corner. No cramps, no skin breakouts like I would normally have, but then my temp dropped.. for 2 straight days in a row... and even though I still didn't feel it, I know AF was just right around the corner. And so next morning.... there she was.. in full force. I was prepared because of the temp drops. I know now that they just don't lie... but damn. It doesn't get any easier. I have two refills of clomid left.. one which I will start on CD5 (3 days from now) and one for the next cycle if this one doesn't work. Then it's back to the RE to see what the next step is. My OB practically guaranteed me that clomid would do the trick. I never needed anything more than Met to get pg. My son was conceived with only 6 weeks on Met! My second pregnancy, that resulted in a m/c, was a totally unplanned, unmedicated cycle. Go figuure. ... I WANT this Christmas baby............................... :)

CD30 16dpiui

2006-02-28T19:51:00.000-05:00

I am just as confused why we are having such a hard time the second go around... Heck we have been together 9 years used birth control, never and I only have 1 kid to show for it! Kinda scary if you think about it. I cried this morning before going to work because I feel like my body is failing me... failing us and my family. I just don't want to give up hope to having a larger family. To give my husband another child to be a mom of more than one... To give my daughter a sibling... My clock is still ticking and I don't want to lose hope, but after doing this so long I can only hold out so much...

Well today I went to the doctor and he asked how things were going "down", referring to my temperature. My doctor is perplexed as to why we aren't getting pregnant and to be quite honest I was going to ask him what is going on and where I can go.. He suggested that I see an infertility specialist FAR away from my house... I considered seeing this woman like a year ago, but felt like I was betraying him so I cancelled... This clinic is supposedly the best in Cleveland, which is promising, but I know that we can't afford IVF unless I sell a kidney... If you know anyone who wants one... I have a spare! If only we could afford the first one they have this program...

I told the doctor that I know my period is coming and I don't want to take the Progesterone Suppositories anymore... He said to stop and let my period come along... Ugh why does this need to be so hard??

These are the two doctors that I will be seeing...
Doc1
Doc2

And here's their write up about PCOS...

CD16 2dpiui

2006-02-14T19:52:00.000-05:00

Today has been an ok day... I am bloated and have some cramping. I went to get some labwork drawn... and the nurse messed up again... My veins are getting so sore from getting labs drawn 2-3 times a month for the last 2 years.

Yesterday I slipped and fell on the ice which hurt my hip...

I am hoping it doesn't hurt my chances this cycle...

CD14 IUI Day

2006-02-12T17:23:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I had my 7th intrauterine insemination...

While it was quite painful... I believe that it may be a good thing that my DH was able to be there to hold my hand.

Wish me luck!

CD30 - 15DPO

2006-01-26T20:01:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the doctor... It was a painful experience for me to go to the doctor. I called my husband because I wanted the emotional support from him.

You see... I found out that my best friend was pregnant on Tuesday. I was very, very happy for her. She's wanted a child forever it seems. I thought she'd get married before me and have children before me, but I have been the total opposite married 6.5 years before she got married and had a 4 year old already. Then my other girlfriend in St. Louis had a son Alex, the day I had my insemination. So I was thinking that I would be "breathing" in a new creation in life while she was in labour. It's nice to have such good friends.

Well... today while at the doctor, my doctor was super chatty... God I love him, literally. Well he said my BBT chart looked good. The temps weren't "high" but they were still pretty good, well above the coverline. So he had asked me about symptoms, and etc... I told him I had sore breasts, I was very tired, nauseated, hungry... All good pregnancy signs... He asked if I would be able to provide urine for a pregnancy test. I said no as I already had went to the bathroom before seeing him. After my appointment he advised his Medical Assistant to do a Beta. On my way home from my appointment I had to stop at the pharmacy to pick up my progesterone suppositories and I decided to pick up a home pregnancy test... I get home and I am excited to pee on the stick... Well I wasn't so excited when the result popped up as a BIG FAT NEGATIVE...

I will wait to see what the doctor says about my lab results otherwise wait until AF shows up, again and try, try, try again...

*sigh*

CD34 - 18DPO

2005-12-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

Well today is offically the day that marks my longest cycle ever... Which sucks! I started spotting yesterday which isn't good, but just means that it wasn't meant to be... So we try, try again.

"Setting the Stage..."

2005-12-20T19:42:00.000-05:00

Hello to fellow readers... I have been going through infertility treatments now for nearly two years which has been a very long struggle... I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter and we want to add to our family...

This blog is going to be about me and my family and our daily struggles we face through this process.

I will be adding additional members to this site to contribute their stories for support...

Please stick around and make yourself at home!