Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Like a rock...

I often wonder what my dear husband thinks of during the process of us trying to concieve another child. I wonder what feelings go through his mind. Does he have heart ache? Does he get the emotional mood swings? Does he feel inadequate? Does he want this as much as I do? Does he cry? Even on the inside? In the back of my mind these very questions loom over me. In a sense he's almost trained to be a robot, by profession. To show no emotion... At times I think the uniform he wears during the day isn't totally removed when he comes home to us. I just wish that he'd breakdown and tell me!!

I can never repay him for the emotional rock he has been for me. He has helped me through my ultimate highs and lows. Through a surgery to remove adhesions and cysts from my ovaries, through other diagnostic testing called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and various other tests. He has been there to hold my fraile emotions together and to encourage me to keep on going. When I want to just give up he reminds me, we are in this together. The one way I want to pay him back is with the enlighting two lines on a pregnancy test.

For his upcoming birthday I wanted to buy him a card and sign it love baby... I thought it would be a good gift for him. I have had other ideas too as to how I would tell him, our daughter and our families.

Mr. TwoWeekWait, all I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart. For being there to wipe away my tears and to literally lift my mind, body, and soul from the some of lowest emotional moments I have ever experienced in my life. One day, I will be carrying your baby inside of me again. Then our family will most likely be complete unless we decide that the third time would be a charm. Thank you.

To be continued...


Friday, May 26, 2006

To my unborn...

I have been trying to figure out how to put these emotions I have been having into words… Words that would speak the bowels of my mind… Words that would plea to the powers that be…

Sadly, another cycle has come and gone. For some reason God has declared that I am unfit to be a mother of more than one, yet again. That my husband is unfit to be a father of two, yet again… That my daughter, who has been longing to be a big sister for nearly 5 years has been denied. You may be asking why? I ask myself that countless times a day. Why? God, what have I done to deserve this? What have we done to deserve this? Why can’t I add onto my family? Why can’t I fulfill my maternal instincts? WHY???

To my unborn…

I am bleeding, again.... and my body is crying, again... My body wants to have you inside of me. Why must you be so stubborn?

I look forward to the day that I find out that I am expecting you... It will be a scary day as I will have a long road ahead of me emotionally. But I can't wait to hear the words "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"

I look at my body hoping and praying for the changes that pregnancy brings… The bigger breasts, round-er belly, swollen ankles, hot flashes, back pains, stretch marks, itchy stomach from my ever-growing skin to accommodate the life that is you.

I have these phantom feelings in my abdomen… I can almost feel you kicking me, fluttering around in the protective your fluids we call your padded “room”. I rub my stomach, trying to console you and I begin to talk to you. “Now, now… It’s ok.” I am nursing your frail life into a strong being. I want to be able to see your progess throughout my pregnancy through numerous ultrasounds. I want to see you the size of piece of rice into a little person.

It scares me with the medical problems that run in our family... I want you to have a strong heart so you can survive on the outside of me and become someone successful. So you can show me how much you fought to be here with us. I know your Grandfather will be watching over you as he does for the rest of us.

My breasts ache from the engorgement of breast milk that you hopefully will suckle from my body. As your sister couldn’t figure it out. I just want to experience the bond between us, just once. To say I have experienced it... It would be amazing, truly amazing.

I envision being in the operating room. Preparing for surgery... Your father is next to me holding my hand experiencing his first child birth. He couldn't be there for your sister as mommy had some complications. We know mommy worked hard and “earned” the caesarean section with your big sister. So you will be a planned birth. I want your father to witness a miracle, a miracle that he helped to create. I want him to anticipate the unexpected. I envision seeing you in the operating room after delivery. I see you all blue and covered with the protective skin that was you. I want your cocoon wiped away from you knowing that you are strong enough to take on this world. I want your father to cut the cord between you and I so you can begin a life on your own, with our help, of course. I want to hear you take your first breath of air. I want to hear your first whaling cry to announce that you have made your entrance into this world. You have had your time in your womb, in your plush home. It’s time now… Come out, welcome to the world… You already know your chosen name whether you are a girl or a boy. I just want to be able to hold your tiny hands. To see you. To smell you. To touch you. To hold you.

I just need to you help me out here... Meet mommy in the middle... and together we can get through this. I promise. I will never leave you alone throughout this journey. I know we can do it. And we will do it together...We will have each other for the rest of our lives.


Friday, May 19, 2006

CD21 - 5dpiui

Last night and today have been very hard. I have been super tired. It's been moreso than the ususal. I passed out in bed by 10PM last night which seldom happens. I could have given in at 9PM, but held out like a "big girl".

I have been having some slight cramping on my left side. So who knows what it means??

I am going at this cycle very cautiously optimistic. I appreciate your prayers in advance.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

CD 16 - IUI

Well today is Mother's Day... I woke up and prepared to go to the doctor after a rough night. I could hardly sleep as the anxiety of having another IUI loomed over me. Would it be painful? Will it work? Can the dreams I have been having ever come true? Will my cervix cooperate? Will they have to use a tenaculum?

I take a shower and wash all of my what-ifs away down the drain. I get ready to leave and drop off my daughter at her Aunt and Uncles and I make the near hour trip to the doctor's office.

My husband calls me on his way home after leaving his specimen. He said that I have an hour to get there so take my time and try to relax. I knew that his experience had to be better than the prior experiences he has had. At the Clinic there are two private rooms with beds and a private bathroom and reading material with pictures to aid in the process. My poor husband has had to collect in very sterile exam rooms with nothing but diagrams to excite him or in a bathroom stall with another man in the stall next to him having the "runs". So I asked him how it went? And he replies in the cup. I then said did everything come out ok? And he just laughed. It seemed like he was more relaxed which is very helpful.

I get to the Clinic and arrive to the Fertility Suite and I check in. I am called back and the girl asks if I need to empty my bladder? Up until that point I did not have to, but then the urge hit me. So I said ok. Normally when I have IUI's I get terribly gassy with my nervousness. So I knew that I had to but couldn't. I get back into my room and the urge is there. So I give into it... I am praying at this point that the doctor doesn't come into the room and passes out. I take two magazines and start fanning as fast as I can. All is good on the homefront. Now I am sitting on the table naked from the waist down waiting and waiting and waiting some more. Urge comes again, but at this point I hold back as I know I have been in there for awhile and knowingly if I did he'd walk right in. And I was right! He came in seconds later.

The doctor walked in my room with scrubs on... He comes up to me with my chart and asks that I verify the specimen information my hubby left earlier. He told me his count after the "wash" and we had 11 million sperm!!! I have a one in eleven million chance of getting pregnant by his sperm and a one in four chance with my eggs. Odds seem to be in our favor. I sign the paper and we proceed with the procedure.

Within mintues this guy whom I have never met had his head inbetween my legs... It was kind of awkward in the sense that things like that normally do not happen. I mean I don't think he shook my hand! But anyways... He begins to put the speculum in and it's too short, as usual. He has to put the big one in as my cervix is "long". I then ask him if he has to use the tenaculum if he could put lidocane on the area as it hurts like holy hell. He said normally we do not have to use them, and with it being a Sunday I would have a hard time getting the meds that are locked up. I prayed. He then said to me I think you jinxed yourself about needing the tenaculum... Here I am thinking oh great. Just then he said do you feel that? I said yes. I felt a stinging sensation. The doctor said that we are all done. Here I am thinking to myself this has been the easiest IUI I have ever had! It was virtually painless. I am very thankful.

Doc told me to lay there for 10 minutes and when my time was up I could get dressed and leave. I asked if I would have to be on pelvic rest and he said absolutley not! AMEN! I can still have sex! I'd go nuts going without for two weeks. He said we promote intercourse! And for good measure do it again tonight! Whoo-hoo!

It's now a few hours after my insemination and I am a bit sore but feeling optimistic.


Saturday, May 13, 2006

Sleep Well CancerBaby


I was doing a websearch today on infertility blogs and I came across this one in particular from The Infertile Gourmet. CancerBaby (her picture from her profile is the one featured in this post) is/was 33 years old and succumbed to ovarian cancer on May 12th... Her dream was to become a mother and now she has become an angel.

Please drop by and read her uplifting stories and celebrate her life... You will not regret it!





Happy Mothers Day!

I wanted to post something special for "us"... This is a very beautiful poem... Enjoy and may we all become Mother's...

Empty Arms

In my empty arms I hold a dream....
A dream that would make my life complete
In my empty arms I hold patience....
Patiently waiting to fulfill my dream
In my empty arms I hold frustration....
Frustrated nothing will work for me
In my empty arms I hold grief....
Grieving for something I never had
In my empty arms I hold pain....
A pain only few can understand
In my empty arms I hold disappointment....
Disappointed they said it would never be
In my empty arms I hold a blanket....
Still waiting for God to send that angel to me
In my empty arms I hold on to faith....
Faith is the only thing bringing me hope
So I can still hold my dream....

Patti Law, PLaw274105@aol.com, 10/97

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo


A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens

These arms of mine are still empty,
It's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden,
The heartache and the tears.

I am waiting for you, sweet angel
To bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife,
Now I want so much a mother's role.

My life doesn't seem complete.
You are not there to hold.
I big piece of my life is missing,
Your destiny is yet untold.

I see you in my dreams, baby.
Ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's blue eyes,
And your daddy's ears and nose.

When my eyes are closed I think,
Will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass
Before all my dreams come true?

Will I ever know the joy
Of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories
And tucking you in tight?

Will I ever be able to comfort you
When you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better
At the tender age of three?

Can I watch you graduate
And drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing
And teach you to play ball.

Will you make me a gradma
When I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life,
I would be blessed in every way.

So why have I been left behind
When I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world
If you could only come to live.

Will my turn ever come?
I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers
Is all I seem to find.

I go home every night
And fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening
In my big empty nest.

I guess God has a plan for me
And I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life
He hasn't made quite clear.

I pray for you llittle one.
Everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready
To hold you forever dear.

You would never go without.
We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven
Sent from up above.



Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hi everyone! I'm the new girl and this is my very first post! I thought I'd start out by giving you a little background info on me.

My name is Stacie and I am 27 years old (28 in June). I live near St. Louis, Missouri with my husband and 5 year old daughter. We've been married a year on Mother's Day. We've also been trying for a baby since March 2005.

I was diagnosed with PCOS this past February. I don't have any cysts on my ovaries but I am insulin resistant and had high testosterone levels. I also have hypothyroidism which is now under control with medication. I take 1500 MG of Metformin each day and Synthroid for my thryroid.

Ok so enough about me and on to my post!!! LOL


I hate the two week wait! I don't mean this blog lol. I mean the actual 2 week wait to find out if you are preggy or not. Every single new thing my body does during this time is either a possible pregnancy symptom or proof that I am not and about to get my period any moment. Now which way I go usually depends on my mood lol.

I really try to relax and not analyze every little thing but it's so hard to do!

Ok for example, my boobs have been sore for 12 days straight now. They are driving me crazy! The worst part is that the only other time this ever happened to me in my life was when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Since I knew nothing about tracking my cycles back then I have no idea what cycle day it started, how many days past ovulation or anything.

Oh I am soooo trying not to read too much into this! When I was pregnant with Savannah sore boobs was my only symptom. It's how I knew I might be PG because the sore boobs never went away and my period never came. I have read there are other women who have sore boobs from the day they O until the day AF starts. So I don't know what to think.

All I know is the 2 week wait drives me crazy!!!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

CD 12

Today I went to see my RE. Everything went very well and I am looking forward to this next cycle.

My Clomid Challenge Test was good. I shouldn't have problems with egg production. This month I have been on Clomid and will be doing an IUI on Sunday, Mother's Day. Doing this insemination on Mother's Day means a lot to me. The significance is beyond words.

I am developing cysts on each ovary, which is good. I go back to the doctor on Friday morning for another u/s and a HSG shot. This will be my first controlled substance that I have taken besides Clomid since starting our journey. I am happy the nurse will be giving this to me rather than me or my hubby doing it.

Please say a prayer as I'd love to become a mommy of two on Mother's Day.


Sunday, May 07, 2006

CD 9

Today is CD 9 for me... Meaning AF showed up... How flipping unlucky am I? Very. I forgot to take my temps the last two days of my cycle, but I was also spotting brown for those last two days which I thought could have been a good thing. Bad thing is I am sick, which I hate! I hate succumbing to illnesses. But we all have to deal with it!

Tomorrow I go to the doctor for more labwork, oh joy! I am finally doing the Clomid Challenge Test! Best thing is I don't have to study!

My doctor and I have been in correspondence via e-mail frequently which is nice. She wants to see me this week to discuss my lab results and a plan of action. Hopefully we will be doing another insemination this month otherwise we will just do it the normal way, which is fine by me. It feels much, much better!!!!

So please, pretty please pray for us so I can make my daughter a big sister before she's 18!